All These Reasons

Moving

2011-03-02T22:12:00.000-05:00

Okay, it's official.

I will no longer be posting at this blog. All posting will be moved to my old/regular blog, now located at:

www.gracelings.org

I am working on a few adoption-related posts, especially about ethics in adoption. I also will be posting my "daily life" stuff over there.

And pictures of my kids:)

I am in the process of moving the archives for this blog, and will soon be taking this blog down. So please update your reader, and follow me over at the new/old blog.

See you there!

Swoonish

2011-02-02T16:26:00.000-05:00

So, I don't really buy much for myself in terms of clothing. I have a few basic items and may buy things I need (such as nurisng gear and socks without holes) but I don't have a very big wardrome. Especially right now, since I refuse to buy much that fits my (current) size... (because I am going to lose this baby weight!)

But these things are tempting me...

Ordinary Hero Speak Up Shirt:

Ordinary Hero Tote:

And for my little dude, this Ordinary Hero onesie:

These items are available at a special price over at the Ordinary Hero Blog. They are also accepting sign-ups for their adoption/mission trip partner fundraisers. If you are trying to fundraise for an adoption or mission trip, you should definitly check out this partnership.

My birthday is in May, in case you are feeling generous:)

Crazy

2011-01-14T13:31:00.001-05:00

Missy wrote this really great post about how "crazy" she is. Or, at least, about how crazy some people think she is. Mostly because she has 4 kids and is adopting another from Ethiopia. But also because when you find your passion, your response to the Lord's call might just seem crazy!

But it seems to me that crazy is really a subjective term. I think it's more a matter of perspective.

Before I adopted a child, the families that adopted sibling groups, older children, children with special needs, HIV+ kids, etc seemed, well, a little crazy to me. Passionate, compassionate, inspiring... yes. But also just a little crazy. I couldn't understand it... and to be honest, the idea of doing what they were doing was not only crazy... but a little frightening, too. "There's no way I could ever do that. None. I am not cut out for that at all."

And then I went. And I saw. And my heart broke.

And I think my heart lined up more with God's heart. And suddenly, those choices that seemed so crazy only a few months before now seemed reasonable... attainable, even. I was considering those same things. Was I called to adopt an older child? And HIV+ child? More than one child at a time?

So I am sitting here, reflecting on how "crazy" people might think I am, with my beautiful Ethiopian daughter smack dab between my white bio kids. And how normal I seem (to me, at least!) And what it is that God is calling me to do. And if that might just seem a bit "crazy." And how I am okay with that.

But I am also thinking that we need to create a culture where "crazy" becomes the norm. Where we don't think it's odd to adopt a child with special needs. Where we don't raise our eyebrows when someone says "oh, we are adopting a sibling group of 4" to join their 5 already at home. Where we don't inwardly say "oh, really?" when we meet a young lady who "gave up her real life" and moved to Africa to love orphans. This is the gospel in action. This is what love does. This is how we should live. It should be crazy.

A Change?

2011-01-13T21:01:00.000-05:00

I first started this blog, way back in 2007, I realized that I wanted a separate place to keep my adoption "stuff" than on my "regular" blog. Not because adoption was such a separate part of my life... exactly the opposite: because it was quickly becoming my whole life. I wanted to be able to remind myself that I was still me, still a momma to Abigail, still a nurse... still me, through this whole process. I also wanted the adoption process info to be easily accessible to other adoptive parents who stopped by the blog.

It made sense at the time. I think it was the right thing at the time. It even made sense as this changed into a pregnancy blog to continue to keep it separate from my "regular" blog (although, by that point, I was rarely posting anything besides pregnancy stuff.)

But now, as I've come to realize that this blog is changing again (notice the different description I put up at the header?) and in light of the fact that I feel like God is drawing me to live more radically, I am really torn about keeping this blog separate from my daily life blog. Not that it's some big, radical thing to condense the two blogs, because it's not (although, it kind of feels like it is.) It's more about the idea that this call to orphan care is not just a "part" of me, separate from who I "really" am... this call to orphan care is as central to my identity as being a mom, or a wife, or a nurse, or any of those things that define me.

So I am really thinking about it. Condensing my two blogs. Moving this one over to my other one. Because adoption, birth, orphan care... I mean, more than anything else, they really do define me- they define the future me.

What if I was radical?

2011-01-13T00:08:00.001-05:00

I was thinking in the shower (which is a great place to think!) today about this article over at World Magazine. The author basically says that if more pastors and church leaders would adopt, it would create more of a culture of adoption in the church. He writes "Pastors tend to preach and teach about their interests and practices. And American Christians tend to apply the Bible to real life issues after a pastor or recognized leader stirs up interest. So if church leaders would cast a practice-driven vision for orphan care, churchgoers likely would be challenged to participate in one of the most ancient practices of God’s covenant people (Exodus 22; Deuteronomy 14, 16, 24)." More specifically, I was thinking about the comments that followed that article, and the exchange over here.

People get tied up in the comments over what constitutes an "orphan" and if we are called to care for only orphans (no parents) or foster children as well... and the ways in which this is to be done (adoption through the state, private adoption, foster care, etc.) There was a lot of criticism of the foster/adopt system in the US (yes, it's broken) as well as several people who basically said "adoption and/or foster care is not my calling."

Now, to some degree, I agree with all of this. But it also sort of seems like an excuse. I don't have everything sorted out in my head yet, but here are some of my thoughts:

As a Christ-follower, we are all called to care for orphans (the fatherless, or, as I think of them- those who don't have families, which would include both "true orphans" and foster children) and widows. It's our job to figure out the exact nature of our call. For some, it is adoption and/or foster care. For others, it may be financially supporting another family's adoption. Maybe it's providing respite care, providing meals for adoptive/foster parents, or caring for the kids while mom and dad go on a date. Maybe it's providing care, love, and support to birth mothers as they make an adoption plan and after they go through the painful process of placing a child for adoption. Maybe it's coming along side a family in distress so that the children remain in that family in a safe and loving way. Maybe it's entering into a mentoring relationship with a child who is aging out of foster care to support and guide them as they enter the world of adulthood. Not all of us are called to adopt, but we are all called. And if we can't identify a way in which we are responding to the call, saying "we aren't called to foster/adopt" is just an excuse. You are called- find your way to fulfill that call.

It's hard for me to believe, however, that there are not enough Christians in this country to adopt the 115,000 children who are available for adoption right now. I think there is some truth in the idea that Bradley presents; our pastors and church leaders should be making orphan and widow care just as much of a priority as other kinds of giving (tithing, missions, etc.) The church should have a culture of orphan (adoption/foster) and widow care as the norm. Although there are several that are doing this already, I don't think this is the true culture of most churches. And our pastors/leaders are the ones in a position to change that. Now, I don't believe that all pastors should adopt/foster, but I think they do have a responsibility to see how they are leading their congregation in this area. In addition to the ways mentioned above, pastors are in a unique position to council couples (in premarital classes and through other ministries aimed at couples) that adoption is part of God's plan, and may be part of God's specific plan for them. More often than not, it's not God saying "yes" to our desire to adopt--- it's us saying "yes" to God's plan for us to adopt! If we are constantly seeking God's plan and have our minds and hearts open to this, maybe we will hear more "YES!" from God in this area!

The problem, though, is not that Christians aren't adopting or fostering. Sadly, it's a much bigger problem. It's not the global orphan crisis of 147 million orphans. It's not the AIDS crisis, or the natural disasters or the unethical government practices that is our problem. It's our hearts. Because adopting a child with severe RAD is a pretty radical thing to do. Fostering a child with severe medical needs is a pretty radical thing to do. Bringing an underweight, sickly, HIV+, African child into your affluent white home and then loving them as the beloved child of God that they are is a radical thing to do. We are called to live radically- to do the very things that make unbelievers anxious. We are called to live without fear, to live with faith that God's plan is the right plan, and He will equip us to carry out His work in this earth. But how many of us are actually living this way? That is our problem.

I wrote before about trying to figure out what my role is in orphan care. And as I was in the shower, I feel like God was telling me that the reason this is so confusing... the reason I don't know what it is that I am supposed to be doing... is because I haven't opened myself up to living radically. I'll be honest, when I've thought about my role in orphan care, what I really meant was which organization I should give my time and money to, or if there was a way that my training as a RN could be beneficial to orphans. But the needs are so great. What if God wants to call me to foster... to foster kids with medical needs... that would be pretty radical. What if God wants to call me to go and mentor young women who will soon be aging out of the system- for me, that would be pretty radical. What if God wants to call me to do something downright crazy and adopt a sibling group of teens from the waiting children domestically or internationally? That would be completely radical! Am I ready to say "yes" to what God is ready to call me to do? Am I ready to live radically?

I'll be honest: I'm not. And neither is John. Yet. But let's just pretend for a minute that we were part of a Body that had adoption/foster care as part of the culture. A church where those who were called to do something radical were supported and cared for financially, emotionally, physically, and spiritually? Where there was a group you could turn to and say "This is so hard! I can't do it!" and they would turn around and not only tell you that you can do all things through Christ, but come over and bring you dinner and clean your house and give you some respite? What if that culture of caring for orphans and widows was so "normal" that the announcement of planning to adopt or foster didn't bring 546 questions about the process, but instead triggered a caring response from the Body to love and support you through each step of the process, offering encouragement when times were hard, finances when it was expensive, helping hands when you were stretched too thin, knowledge and expertise when you were dealing with situations beyond your experience, love when you felt like you had given all you had... what if?

What if we did instead of said?

What if we, as the Body, lived radically?

What if I was radical?

Jonesin'

2011-01-08T11:28:00.001-05:00

Photo Source

I am seriously jonesin' for this tote, mug, car decal, and t-shirt (over at the Minus 1 Project). Seriously, one of the best adoption t-shirts I have seen.

Photo Source

My girls got these t-shirt for Christmas from my sister, courtesy of Calling Orphans Home. Seriously cute. I wouldn't mind one of those either:)

What are your favorite adoption/orphan care fundraiser products?

Post-Adoption Guilt

2011-01-05T14:43:00.000-05:00

Wow. This is another post that I am cautious in writing, because it is possibly going to ruffle some feathers. As always, I am writing with a spirit of honesty about my own struggles, not judging others.

Have any of you ever experienced guilt after giving birth to a child after completing an adoption? I don't know if I am explaining it right... Basically, I sometimes feel guilty for giving birth to another child, when I know there are so many children in the world (Ethiopia) that need families and who I would be more than willing to adopt. Don't misunderstand me; I know that John Andrew is the right child for our family right now, and moreover, I feel incredibly blessed to have been able to have a healthy and safe pregnancy and to have shared this experience with John and the girls. I love him immensely, and I cannot imagine a better baby.

But it doesn't take away from the feeling that we could have... or should have... adopted. (Although, since we just had our first wedding anniversary on the 26th of December, we actually couldn't have adopted since we didn't meet the 2 year marriage criteria, but I digress...)

I know that partially, these feelings stem from wanting to adopt again. I am not saying we are going to adopt again, but I would love to adopt again. It just may not be the right thing for our family. In that setting, still having a heart for orphans- especially those who are unadoptable- I am still trying to figure out my role in orphan care. As my husband's cousin said at our Christmas gathering... we are all called to care for orphans, so it's not a matter of if we are going to care for them, but rather how we are going to care for them. Adoption is a small piece of the how. But true orphan care is so much bigger than adoption. And I'm just not sure how I fit into that bigger picture of orphan care. I know my work with orphans isn't completed; adoption was not the end point for me- it was the beginning of a passionate love affair, to be honest.

I think part of the guilt is also related to the incredible expense of my pregnancy and birth, especially because of the complications/risks. That money (which, thankfully, was paid by insurance) would have been more than enough to complete an adoption (or 2- maybe 3.)

Another part may be that, truth be told, I didn't and still don't love the process of adoption... the paper chasing, the waiting, the uncertainty, the fears, the unknowns, the unpredictable nature of international adoption. In contrast, I loved being pregnant (except the heartburn.) I guess maybe I feel like knowing and expressing my joy in the pregnancy process somehow makes the adoption process seem less... fulfilling? or desirable? Which is silly, because while I am not sure I would want to be pregnant again, I would more than love to adopt again! I know this about myself- and I know that I don't view either adoption or pregnancy as "better" than the other, but I think the preference within myself leads to part of the guilt.

What do you think? Have you experienced this? Am I just crazy and hormonal?

Introducing...

2010-10-28T15:26:00.000-04:00

John Andrew Wesley Showalter

Sunday, October 17, 2010

6:53pm

7 pounds 10 ounces

18.5 inches

We call him John Andrew or Andrew.

He is a fantastic baby, and we are all doing well:) I was able to have a natural labor and am feeling pretty good, all things considered! Not quite up to blogging much, especially since my computer is not working properly. More pictures coming soon (or as soon as my computer starts working!)

38 Week Bumpdate

2010-10-16T15:01:00.000-04:00

I am still pregnant.

Still.

At my OB visit on Thursday, I had lost about a pound. At least I am not gaining, right? The baby was measuring perfectly, with a heart rate in the 150s, so there are no concerns. If I haven't had the baby by next week (39 weeks) they will do an internal exam to see if things are progressing yet. Hmmmm.

I had the girls with me at the OB. They said they had questions for the doctor... Abigail asked when the baby will finally come out (don't we wish we knew?) and Anna asked why the baby is giving me heartburn. I'm not sure if this was because I have been complaining of heartburn a lot, or if it was somehow related to Abigail talking about the fetal Doppler (the machine to measure the heart rate) and the "heart rate" which Anna took to mean "heart burn." At any rate, the doctors didn't answer either question with any conviction:)

I am feeling good- except for the whole waddling, swollen feet thing. Actually, my left foot is very tender, and John is wondering if I possibly broke some toes. I decided to just grin and bear it, because really, what is the treatment for broken toes? Um, an x-ray to diagnose the problem (which I am not going to get right now, anyway) and at most a non-weight-bearing boot (which I am not going to wear in labor anyway) so what's the point? So, other than my toes, I am feeling good.

The kitchen saga is mostly done... but not all the way. We are still missing a cabinet that is on indefinite back order. So yesterday they came out and installed everything else and a temporary "filler" cabinet so that I could at least get things put away and clear off the kitchen table. I am working on that today, and as soon as John moves the borrowed microwave out to my car, I will be able to finish clearing off the kitchen table. Tomorrow we can sit at the table for meals. This will definitely be a step in the right direction. Then a few more boxes moved to the basement, and I think we will be in pretty good shape.... except that my Shark has stopped working and I really need to get down and scrub my floors (which is sooooo not happening!)

I have my last few shifts scheduled for work next week... a total of 12 hours (three 4-hour shifts.) John has finished his mid-terms/final and is working tonight and tomorrow night, followed by a full day of work on Monday (with just a few hours of nap on Monday morning) and his birthday dinner Monday evening. Then he plans to recover from his sleepless weekend on Monday night and catch up on some work on Tuesday, and we will also get our first delivery of cloth diapers... so really, Wednesday is the idea time for me to have the baby (10/20/10). Maybe it will happen, right?

37 Week Bumpdate

2010-10-09T13:22:00.000-04:00

Is it just me, or has my belly not changed that much in the past 2 weeks? I feel like I get bigger every day, but when I look at the pictures, this belly is not any bigger than my 35 or 36 week bump.

Guess how much weight I gained in the last week? Remember, I gained four pounds from week 35 to week 36....

So, just guess...

Okay, you are not going to guess right, so I will just tell you. I lost half a pound. (My friend says when you start losing weight, it means the baby will come soon...???)

Anyway, I celebrated that by eating half a box of mini Oreos and going out for dinner last night that included cheese fondue, 3 layer chocolate cake, and lots and lots of homemade rolls. So much for keeping up the no-gain/a little loss trend, eh?

Other than that, I have been feeling pretty well. Heartburn, of course, but even that has improved since I went to the chiropractor twice this week (I was so out of whack.) My feet are still swollen, although my compression socks do help. When I wear them. They also have been giving me a rash, so it's been a toss up between the swollen feet and the itchy legs. Sometimes you just can't win. I do have this funky toe pain in my left foot, middle 3 toes. John says he thinks it is from the swelling putting pressure on the joints. Go away, swelling!

I have made virtually no progress on my to-do list for the baby, although I have made a small amount of progress in just getting the house put back together/recovering from having the kitchen fixed (since the contractors still don't have my cabinets installed, we are not getting terribly far...) The bag is packed, though, so we are all good:) It's strange to think that this was the milestone that marked Abigail's entrance into the world... and yet, it could still be a few weeks before the Nugget arrives.

I've seen a few tiny babies recently (at stores, ballet class, etc), and I am feeling kind of overwhelmed about the fact that we will have a tiny baby home with us very soon. I know they don't stay tiny for long, and I am pretty sure that caring for a newborn is a lot like riding a bike- it just comes back to you- but I still am feeling a bit unprepared and... not scared, exactly... more like nervous.

It's interesting. A few weeks ago, someone was mentioning that I would soon be giving birth, and they asked me if I was scared (of labor.) I'm not. Nervous, anxious, and excited- yes. Scared? Not a bit. But at the same time, people always ask if I am excited about the baby. The baby seems to me to be a much more appropriate topic to ask if I am nervous about, not labor! Am I totally backwards? Labor just seems so straightforward. I mean, you have contractions, water breaks, you push, and it's over. Done. It's the whole baby thing that is totally unpredictable:)

Anywho... Do you want to play a game?

We have been keeping the baby's name secret. Want to try to guess it? I will give you a hint: both the girl name and boy name we have chosen start with an "A." Would love to hear your guesses:)

My Own

2010-10-06T19:04:00.000-04:00

From Sarah's Blog:

"As I drove 80-plus miles an hour because my baby was in pain and needed her Mama to fix her, I thought to myself, "If this isn't my child, then who does she belong to?" Seriously, if you ask me if I want "my own" kids that implies that the kids I have are not mine, and if they are not mine, can someone please tell me whose they are? If they aren't mine I am certainly going to a fair bit of inconvenience and enduring a fair bit of life disruption for children that belong to other people. They certainly appear to belong to me when one of them wakes me up screaming at 5 am or when one of them grabs both of my cheeks in her small little four year old hands, puts her nose to mine and and says "I love you, Mama" or when one of them calls for me from her darkened bedroom and says in her smallish two year old voice "Mommy, I want you. Sleep with me, Mama." From all I can tell practically speaking, they are mine. Two governments say they are mine and more importantly God says they are mine and will hold me accountable for what I am doing to raise them. So, dear friend, please don't ask me if my precious girls for whom I have rearranged my career, my social calendar, my sleeping schedule, my bathing rituals, my long-term financial plans and, generally speaking, the sum total of all my life goals are "mine". It should be obvious to you by now that they are and it breaks my heart when you ask that because these children are as "real" to me as yours are to you. They are my life as your birth children are to you and no child that comes from my body will ever have more status as "my own" than these daughters born of my heart."

36 Week Bumpdate

2010-10-02T23:21:00.000-04:00

I have gained 54 pounds in this pregnancy. I try not to think about that. And I really try not to think about loosing that.

At my check-up on Thursday, everything went well. Baby sounded good, I measured perfectly, and they did the Group B Strep test... I thought this was an internal swab (like a Pap), and would therefore give them the opportunity to check out my cervix, but it's just an external swab. They offered to take a peek at things for me, but really, who wants an internal exam if they don't have to have one? I declined. So I have no clue what my cervix is doing. I'm okay with that. Even if it was doing something, it really has no bearing on when I will go into labor or if my cervix would continue to dilate "normally," so really, what's the point in finding out?

I have been having horrible heartburn, though. And a few times I have had this overwhelming sense of "I am going to vomit RIGHT NOW" come over me out of nowhere (thankfully, there is not been any actual vomiting.) So I am not sure what is going on, but that is not fun.

I also have swollen feet and toes that look like sausages. It started on Friday when I had to drive my mother-in-law's minivan down to Philly. I was so scrunched up in the driver's seat that my knees were literally hitting my belly when I moved my foot between the gas and the brake. 5 hours in that cramped position was enough to give me pitting edema in my feet. I kept them elevated during the evening as much as I could, and by this morning, the swelling had gone down significantly (but not entirely gone.) Then I spent the day running errands in the minivan (John had my car, and his mom had his car...), playing with the kids, cooking, cleaning, and driving 40 minutes to Abigail's cheerleading... well, puffy feet are back with a vengeance. Trying to elevate again, but it's just not working. I think I will buy some more compression socks to help with that. Thankfully, I really haven't had much swelling otherwise. But I do need to get it to go away before I head to work for 3 days in a a row next week... if my feet stay this big, I am not sure I will be able to get my sneakers on!

I am down to my last few baby-related errands... need to get the car seat base installed in my car and the MIL's minivan, finish packing Abigail's hospital stuff and snacks/vending machine money for John in the hospital bag, add the Viacord kit to the hospital bag, and just generally get my house cleaned up. That last one would be a lot easier if the contents of my kitchen were not spewed across my living room and play room while the contractors (finally) fix the flooring, cabinets, appliances, and paint from our minor kitchen fire back in August (yeah, I could have predicted that it would take nearly 2 months to fix...) Then it's just a matter of waiting until after the 20th.

17 days to go to my ideal delivery date! 28 to go to my due date! Yea!

35 Week Bumpdate

2010-09-25T20:31:00.000-04:00

35 weeks. 5 more to go, maximum. Only 3.5 weeks to my goal of 10/20/10 (how fun would it be to have the birthday 10/20/2010?) The end is in sight.

We had a little scare earlier this week... on Tuesday morning I went in to L&D to get checked out. I wasn't feeling the baby move very much, and my fundal height was measuring small (much smaller than it had been at my doctor's visit.) These were the same issues that led to the emergency induction at 37 weeks with Abigail. We still don't know for sure what caused the issues in my pregnancy with Abigail, so I am a very aware and vigilant to monitor for those same issues this time around. If we don't know what caused it, we don't know that we have "fixed" or prevented it in this pregnancy, you know?

Anyway, things checked out great: I had a non-stress test for the baby, and Nugget had appropriate heart rates the whole time. I started feeling more fetal movement, and a quick ultrasound showed an appropriate level of amniotic fluid as well as showing that the baby was head down! It was really reassuring.

Not so reassuring was the weight on the scale at my routine OB visit on Thursday... I am half a pound short of the 50 pound mark. Sadness. Especially since it is all in my butt and thighs. :(

I will be going to the OB weekly now until the baby comes. Next week is the vaginal check (maybe I am dilating?) and the group B strep test. Bliss.

In non-medical news, I started packing my hospital bag today. What did you pack that was a life-saver? What was a waste of time/space? Did you pack anything special for dad or older siblings?

I have my stuff pretty well figured out... I am mostly packing sweats for after the delivery, since they are so forgiving. I read today that when you leave the hospital, you are about the same size you were at the 5-6 month mark. Here I was at the 21 and 24 week mark...

If I leave the hospital looking like that, I will consider it pretty darn good:) John and I were talking about how I should do "deflation" pictures... a picture each week of how my belly is shrinking and returning to normal. Which would probably be a good motivator, but perhaps a bit embarrasing? But who am I kidding- you all (few) who read this blog know all my crazy/embarassing stuff anyway:)

The girls at work were commenting that they thought I had "dropped"... as one of them said "you actually can tell the difference between the boob bump and the belly bump now!" I guess I no longer have the uniboobelly? I don't feel like I have "dropped" at all (especially right now, when it feels like Nugget is using a vice to separate my rib cage.) But maybe with the baby head down, I am carrying a little differently. What do you think?

2 Years

2010-09-25T14:03:00.000-04:00

Oops, I meant to post this yesterday, but then I started having contractions, and I got a bit distracted....

2 years ago yesterday, my mom, Abigail, Anna and I landed in DC; Anna had been sick on the flight, and my mom and I had not slept at all. John met us at the airport, and on the way home Anna had her first taste of french fries and milkshakes. My sister flew in and arrived at my house shortly after we did. It was a surreal day.

And in the world of adoption milestones, that day will always be the day I consider our first "Family Day."

Of course, I had met Anna in Ethiopia 10 days earlier, but it was the milestone of having the four of us together- John, the girls, and I- that makes the 24th of September so special. At the time, John and I were dating- not even engaged yet- but when I look back, that is the day that our family finally felt right. Even though I had been worried it would be the day that our family turned terribly "wrong."

John and I were dating for less than a year before I started the adoption process; it was a hard time for him when I announced that I planned to adopt a child. There were a lot of things that made it difficult for him, one of which was the feeling that I was planning a future without him in it, and another of which was the feeling that adoption was simply not a fit for him. In my defense, I didn't realize that he was as committed to our relationship was he was at that point, and I didn't think we were at the point of planning a future together or making decisions together. In the end, we ended up breaking up for a while, with the adoption being one of the major issues that we couldn't resolve. Eventually, John decided that he wanted Abigail and I in his life, even if it meant also adding another child to the mix... although he was pretty convinced that he could never love that child the way he loved Abigail.

But when Anna came home, I knew. I mean, I knew all along that Anna was supposed to be in my life, but when Anna and John finally met, I knew that she was supposed to be in his life- and he in hers. As she started to come out of her shell and open up more, it became so blatantly obvious that Anna and John were 2 peas in a pod that even his extended family and friends commented on it. When John proposed to me less than 3 months after Anna came home, I knew it wasn't just that he wanted to marry me- he wanted to make us a true family and be Daddy to Abigail and Anna because he loved each of them in their own right, as well.

I am a month away from giving birth to the child that John and I have made. I look at our family, and I see how Abigail is my mini-me, and Anna is John's child in every way, shape, and form; I can't wait to see how the next one will turn out. The celebration of Anna joining our family is intricately linked to the joy of being married to John, because in a lot of ways, she could have been the reason we didn't end up together, but in the end, Anna was the piece of our family puzzle that sealed the deal on our love. And as we celebrate how lucky we are to have her in our lives, it seems so natural that we should be ready to start celebrating the newest addition to the family. Because that's what family is all about- growing and changing and becoming and being loved through it all.

Bumpdate 34 Weeks

2010-09-20T22:04:00.000-04:00

So, there it is. My 34 week belly. (For better shots of the belly, go here. And then go here to book a session!) I feel huge. All the time. And while I feel like I am waddling, John says that what I am really doing is just leaning back constantly while I walk, trying to create some backwards momentum to prevent myself from falling forward from the weight of my belly.

I guess from here on out, they probably wouldn't stop labor if I were to go into labor, but after looking at my schedule, John's schedule, and our parents' schedule, we've decided the optimal date for the baby to be born is October 20. In fact, we need the baby to NOT be born before the 19th, because John's schedule is just insane until then. So, while last week I was saying "Oh, I have 3-7 weeks to go!", this week I don't get to say "2-6 weeks." :( I am saying "anytime after October 20." Which, as of today, is 4 weeks and 2 days away. Gagh! But, I still could have 6 weeks to go. Boo!

I am having lots of low pelvis pressure, but I don't think the baby has "dropped" yet... I still feel the Nugget up in my ribs and need some sort of brace to hold my ribs together since it feels like the baby is trying to spread my ribcage apart. Other than that, I feel pretty good. Can't bend over comfortably, but that's to be expected. I am tired, but still have the energy to get stuff done, so I guess I am doing well! Once we get the car seat/ stroller assembled, we should be good to go.

I am starting to pack my hospital bag... anything I should make sure to take along?

Bumpdate 33 Weeks

2010-09-13T14:17:00.000-04:00

I don't really feel like my belly has gotten any larger than last week, but I can see all my blood vessels more this week, as if the skin is being stretched further, so maybe.

On Thursday, we had our check up; everything continues to look good, measuring right on track:) We'll see the doctor again in 2 weeks, and then weekly until I pop. And I do kind of feel like it will be a "pop" rather than anything else. I kind of look like I have a balloon shoved in the front of my shirt since I am carrying all in front. My mother in law and husband continue to comment that I don't look pregnant from behind, except for the part where I am waddling:)

We got the crib set up yesterday, and this morning I finished setting up the "nursery." Since the Nugget will be hanging out in the guest room until we know if/when we are moving, there wasn't a lot of set-up to do. But the bedding is in, clothes are washed and put away, and the rocking chair has a new cushion on it. I am getting a few last things washed and put together, and then I won't have much to do in there until we get our first cloth diaper delivery in a few weeks.

I feel pretty good; the heartburn has been manageable, and I am sleeping very soundly, except for when I have to wake up and go to the bathroom. 4 times a night. Joy. Or when I have really strangely realistic dreams... like the other night when I dreamed that my water broke, and I got down on my hands and knees to clean up the mess while John stood there and laughed. Even in my dream I remember thinking that it was a typical doctor/nurse situation.

Maybe now that I have a working laptop again, I can get caught up on some of my blogging that I have been intending to do. Maybe not. We really could realistically have a baby in just 3 weeks!

Bumpdate- 32 Weeks

2010-09-06T22:57:00.000-04:00

So, guess what? It really sucks to have strep throat! Thank God that penicillin is safe in pregnancy! Also, did you know when you are pregnant, you are in a hyper-immune state, so your mild, never-actually-diagnosed allergies can turn into raging-holy-bologna-who-knew-I-could-produce-that-much-nasal-discharge allergies wherein you are convinced you might actually lose the ability to breath if you lay down and your nose drips like a leaky faucet while still being crazy-congested? Thank God Zyrtec is safe in pregnancy!

That pretty much sums up my week. Oh, except for the part where I fell really hard on Sunday and now my whole body hurts. All the time. (Thank God Tylenol is safe in pregnancy!)

We see the doctor on Thursday, and will be taking our finalized birth plan (and FMLA paperwork, assuming I don't forget again!) to be placed in our chart. We will also take our birth plan with s to the delivery, since outpatient and inpatient charts don't mix at my institution.

Hey, guess what else? Did I ever mention that there is a 90-95% epidural rate at my hospital? Yeah, I can't stop thinking about that. And the 5-10% who don't get epidurals are either the really high risk/emergency peeps who are done under general anesthesia or few who walk in with the baby practically falling out (at least in my limited experiences of working the post-partum side of things.) That has nothing to do with my 32nd week, but I just wanted to put that out there.

I need to sleep. Preferably while breathing at the same time. Grrrrr.

Bumpdate: 31 Weeks

2010-08-30T21:01:00.000-04:00

I continue to be amazed that I feel as well as I do... honestly, this seems to be a much easier part of my pregnancy than the first and second trimesters. I know part of it is that my stress level with regard to viability and such has decreased tremendously, and continues to decrease with each passing day. I think another part of it is that the chest pain and shortness of breath have totally gone away... John and I were talking about this, and we think that maybe the original high-risk OB that we saw had it right: my heart just needed extra time to adjust to the physical changes that were happening in my body. This idea is reinforced by the fact that the swelling in my feet/ankles has gone away, too.

Anna and Abigail are getting more and more excited about the baby coming... Abigail loves telling all her friends about her soon-to-be sibling, and Anna genuinely seems to want the baby to come, asking daily if the baby can come yet. I figure if I go another 5 weeks, I am golden:) I really can't fathom making it to 40 weeks, but I guess stranger things have happened. Maybe because of all the anxiety I had about the baby coming too soon, I will end up going past my due date. Let me just go on the record as saying that if I am still pregnant in November, I will cry. And also probably participate in every known home-remedy for inducing labor:) Just kidding- I believe the baby will come out when he or she is good and ready, although I'm sure the hubs wouldn't mind if we tried certain methods... ;)

It's hard to imagine that we don't see the OB for another 2 weeks (at the 33 week mark, more or less). This is the longest stretch we have gone without seeing the doc since very early on in the pregnancy. It is kind of nice to have a break, especially since I know they will probably be a little more invasive at the next check up. It also gives us some time to work on our plans for birth control after the baby comes (very difficult to figure out when you can't take hormones, you're allergic to latex, and your anatomy won't cooperate with a diaphragm!), our finalized (ie- shortened) birth plan, and what we want to do about circumcision if we have a boy (one of us is for it, the other is not.)

Thanks for sharing.

2010-08-23T16:30:00.000-04:00

Apparently, Abigail has been sharing her new-found knowledge about labor and birth.

At the dentist today, Anna asked if this doctor will help get the baby out. That was cute.

Thankfully, she waited until we were home to inform me that "first the baby comes out the 'gina, then the Daddy cuts the cord" (with accompanying "snip" motion with her fingers.)

Bumpdates 29 and 30 weeks

2010-08-23T14:03:00.000-04:00

29 week belly

Jai, the young man my mom is friends with, recently asked for a belly photo with my face in it... he only sees the photos I email to my mom, and he said he had never seen my face! So, this is my best shot at a self-portrait of my belly with my face showing via iPhone technology. This is surprisingly more difficult than it seems, especially when you add in the fact that I stand on my tip toes to get these shots. I don't look very happy. Don't think I need to explain why:)

We had our 30 week visit on Thursday. Everything continues to look great, and we are hoping right along with the weight gain. I have now gained a total of 37 pounds during this pregnancy. The doctor is not terribly concerned... my diabetes screen is negative, my blood pressure is perfect, and even the swelling I was having earlier in my pregnancy has pretty much gone away. I am eating well, my lab work all looks great, and I feel good- much better than I did earlier in my pregnancy. Plus, I was up 48 pounds the day that they induced my labor with Abigail (at 37 weeks), but I was back in my non-pregnancy jeans when Abigail was 18 days old, and was 10 pounds less than my pre-pregnancy weight by my 6 week follow-up visit... all without dieting or exercising! Hopefully things will go that well this time, although the extra 8 years of age may make that a little more difficult. The doctor thinks that maybe I am just one of those people who gains a lot of weight with pregnancy (the "goal" weight gain for a woman of normal weight is 25-35 lbs.) My mom definitely gained a lot of weight during her pregnancies- maybe it's genetic:)

I've started writing our birth plan. Initially, I didn't think that I would write a birth plan, knowing that the running joke in the OB department is "birth plan= c-section." But the more I thought about it, the more I decided I needed one, because there was no telling who would be on-service when I went into the hospital. It could quite possibly be a person we have never met (one of the risks of delivering at an academic medical center.) Plus, I don't want to have to think about telling anyone what I want when I am in labor, or explaining who our doula is or why Abigail is there. I want to be able to just focus on doing the work I need to do. So a birth plan seems to be the best way to communicate that.

So far, a few of the highlights of our birth plan include:

1. Since we don't know the gender of our baby, we do not want the doctor/nurse to announce the gender at the time of birth. John and Abigail will be the first people to check the gender and make the announcement. Abigail is pretty excited about this:)

2. The exact phrasing regarding repair of any tear/episiotomy is "If it is necessary to provide stitches to repair a tear, please provide local anesthesia. Lots of it." It is in bold, just like that:)

3. John and Abigail will also cut the cord together.

4. Abigail has requested that she be able to help with the baby's first bath and diapering the baby. Since this will be in our birth plan, it will be much more likely to happen:)

A lot of the other stuff is standard, run-of-the-mill natural childbirth language, which we are trying to edit down since I tend to be a bit verbose and have written this without a template. One other thing that we did was use the birth plan to "introduce" who will be present at the birth (me, John, Abigail, our doula- Heather, and John's mom, Elaine.) This will save us time, and also hopefully make the care team more comfortable with the inclusion of Abigail during labor/delivery. I made sure to put in the birth plan that we have talked frankly with Abigail and shown her graphic birth videos, as well as taught her medically/anatomically correct language so that they know how to talk to her if she were to ask a question. I mean, not all 7.5 year olds know that a baby is born with it's own special lotion on it's skin called vernix. Or that the baby has to open the cervix then come out the vagina to be born. But Abigail does!

30 weeks, 2 days belly

Now that our niece has moved out of our guest room, we are ready to get the nursery ready. The nursery will still be our guest room as well, so we are not decorating or going wild with a theme. But, we do need to get the crib put up and get a diaper station set up. My mother-in-law, Elaine, threw a surprise baby shower for me this past Saturday at the nursing home where she and I work (Thanks again, Elaine!!!!), and with the lovely gifts we've received, along with items our family has given us and a few things we have purchased, I think we are pretty much set for a newborn. I am looking forward to getting all the little blankies and burp cloths and sockies washed, folded and put away in the dresser:)

Bump Check- 28.5 Weeks

2010-08-13T11:07:00.000-04:00

I forgot to take a picture on Saturday of my week 28 belly. So here a photo from Wednesday:

Apparently, a prego woman in a bathing suit is somewhat of a novelty at our local pool, because all of Abigail's little friends were amazed, and I certainly got a few looks from the other adults, too. Oh well- I was too hot to care!

Of course, it didn't help that Abigail kept bringing her friends over and saying "Momma, stand up and show them how big your belly is! It's big because she has our baby in there!" And then all the other little girls were like "wow, your belly is huge!!!!!" And then they would stick out their (disgustingly flat) bellies and walk around saying "look, I have a baby in my belly, too!"

A friend of my mom's asked why you never see my face in these pictures. It's partially because I am not feeling particularly pretty, and partially because I usually try to take the picture as soon as I wake up in the morning, so that I don't forget to do it. My hair is wild and I still have red marks on the side of my face from the pillow. You really aren't missing anything. This particular photo was carefully framed by my loving husband to avoid showing my mascara running down my face and dripping hair, while also protecting the eyes of you, my gentle readers, from the cellulite that has taken up residence in my thighs.

You're welcome.

In other pregnancy news: we had a check up last week, and HOORAY! The doctor gave me permission to take Zantac for my heartburn. What a difference this has made! I can lay flat at bedtime! Woohoo!

Everything else was looking good, and we are finally at that point when I am starting to feel relief... developmentally, 28 week babies do so well. But even more than that, I really feel like getting this far means that I am likely to go to term. (Although a 10/5/10, 10/10/10, or 10/20/10 baby would be fun:) I've started doing more of my "preparation" reading and tomorrow we are meeting with our Doula. John is finally at a place where he can also focus time and attention on learning to be a great coach and we can come up with a plan for after the baby arrives that will work for our whole family (breastfeeding a newborn can be a full-time job!)

I am working on a post on my other blog about why we don't believe in attachment parenting and also responses to why we are doing a natural childbirth (Bradley Method) and how and why we are working with our pediatrician on a modified immunization schedule. I am also going to write my very opinionated view of how to be successful with breastfeeding, and why on-demand feeding (the method recommended by the La Leche League) decreases your likelihood of success. Can you feel the drama brewing?

I feel a real urgency to get serious about preparing for the job of giving birth (which is a very taxing job) and parenting a newborn. So off I go to sneak in some more reading while the girls finish their morning chores:) Regularly scheduled bump checks should resume tomorrow!

Dear Nugget

2010-08-04T00:31:00.000-04:00

Dear Nugget,

I love you and am trying to give you all the attention you need. I feed the cravings and drink all that extra water and even take those yucky prenatal vitamins just for you. Like your Daddy, I get it that you sometimes need more attention than I am giving you, and that makes you likely to take drastic measures.

However, like your sisters have learned, kicking me so hard that it takes my breath away is not the best way to get my attention. In fact, hurting Momma is not very nice at all. You may not realize how hard you are kicking, but I am pretty sure it is hard enough to have kicked me a nice little hiatal hernia.

Would you like to work on our communication skills so that you can figure out how to best get my attention without hurting me? Because I would like to do that, too.

Love,

Momma

P.S. Feel free to kick Daddy to get his attention because; A: it totally works, and B: he thinks it's hilarious when Anna does it, so I'm guessing he will like being kicked by you, too.

Brown Like Me...

2010-08-02T15:09:00.000-04:00

Disclaimer: This post does not contain any mind-shattering revelations about race or ethnicity. In fact, in the end, this post is pretty inconclusive. But this is what is happening in our lives, and I would love to have some respectful input from others who are parenting children of a different skin color.

In our family, we have never focused much on the fact that Anna has brown skin. We readily acknowledge it, but we have never set out to point it out. We talk about colors and say that Anna's skin is brown and Abigail's skin is peach. But we also talk about Anna's brown eyes and Abigail's blue eyes, and the fact that both girls have pink lips and white teeth. It never really seemed to matter too much to Anna, and I really didn't want to push the idea of race on her before she was ready (although Abigail and I have talked about race quite a bit.)

Recently, though, Anna has been very excited when she sees other people who share her same skin tone. She is surprisingly accurate, too, pointing out people that are nearly the same skin tone as she is. "Look, Momma, she is brown like me!" Anna will exclaim, pointing at another little girl in line at W*lMart. She does not group herself with other Black children who are lighter in skin tone than she is- only those whose skin tone is within a shade or two of hers.

We then talk about all the nice things about person that she sees. Sometimes the person is a child, and we talk about her awesome braids or cool beads or fun clothes. Sometimes it is an adult, and we notice other things, like their purse or hat or the fact that they have such a nice smile. Sometimes we do point out things that aren't nice (one time we watched a little girl Anna's age throw a fit and kick her mother. That went into the NOT NICE category.) Her awareness has opened a door for us to begin to talk about race in the most elementary ways with her.

I am very sensitive to the way Anna is developing her ideas of race and her self-identity as a girl with brown skin whose family has peach skin. I want to help her create a healthy view of herself- one that is not limited or defined by the color of her skin, but also acknowledges and embraces her beauty as a Black child. I want her to be able to have a positive view that the color of her skin makes her unique in our family, but does not make her alone, isolated, or different. I also want her to be able to freely self-identify as an Ethiopian just as much as she does as an American or African-American. At the same time, I want her to be able to embrace the values and cultural norms that make our family ours. I don't know how to do this, and to be honest, I don't know if anyone really knows how to do this- there are a lot of theories, but very little that is proven.

The other day we were at the salon getting Anna's hair braided. Abigail and I stick out like sore thumbs with our fair skin, but I love that place! I love that the ladies sit and talk and laugh and carry on- something that you don't really get in a typical "white" salon. I enjoy talking to all the ladies there, and I feel that there is mutual respect and friendliness between us.

While we were there, the Tyra Banks Show started, and the topic was skin bleaching. I had heard of this practice, but really didn't understand it or think it was necessarily common. I certainly didn't think it was something that was practiced on children! While watching the show, Abigail and I were so upset! There were such lovely ladies and adorable children who felt the need to lighten their skin color because it was "better" in some way. Often, they could not even describe why they believed lighter skin was better, but a few described reasons such as getting more attention from the opposite sex, feeling more beautiful or being more conventionally beautiful, or believing that lighter skin was more socially acceptable or related to your ability to be successful. The mother of 3 young boys who uses bleaching creams on them daily said that she thinks lighter skin "makes a better presentation" and she felt it was important for them to have lighter skin to have people form a better opinion about them. The most troubling part was that these young children (ages 8, 6, and 4, I think) actually believed this about themselves!

The ladies in the salon were horrified, but could understand why the women on the show felt the way they did. They didn't condone the behavior, especially not when the mom was putting bleaching cremes on her children, but they understood it... they had certainly heard comments to the effect of "it's better to have lighter skin." Or the infamous "she's pretty... for a dark-skinned girl." These thoughts were a new reality for me... sure, I had heard that these things happened, but I had never seen or experienced anything like it, even though I grew up in a very diverse neighborhood and had friends of all different skin colors. It is still blowing my mind, and I cannot wrap my head around what I even think about all of this, even weeks after the fact.

So, why am I writing this post? Really, I am not sure. It is just so... much. I desperately want Anna to love the skin God gave her as much I do. I love her chocolaty skin, and the patina that makes her skin look like so soft and touchable. In fact, I think her skin is so much prettier than my own fair skin that shows every vein and blemish, and gets blotchy when I am cold or nervous. How do I help her see this and love this about herself, when apparently popular culture is sending the opposite message? Is it enough to talk about all the black women with dark skin that we admire? Are Michele Obama, Oprah, Condoleezza Rice, and Maya Angelou, not to mention historical figures like Sojourner Truth, Harriet Tubman, Rosa Parks, and Ruby Bridges enough?

More importantly, how do we help change our culture? Because whether your child is the only brown-skinned child in your family or simply the darkest-skinned in a family of many brown-skinned people, they need to hear the message that they are beautiful just the way they are. And while popular culture is making some strides in this area (see: Grace Jones, Rachel Williams, Ajuma, Alex Wek, or Krista, the winner of cycle 14 of America's Next Top Model), the majority of black women who share Anna's skin color are not known for their beauty.

I don't know. And this post is getting rambly. So I will leave it at that.

Bump Check- 27 weeks

2010-07-31T19:21:00.001-04:00

This week has been all about the heartburn. Seriously. All day, all night. I get heartburn no matter what I eat or when I eat it. I get heartburn from drinking water! Sometimes, in the rare moments that I don't have heartburn, I worry that if I eat or drink anything, it will come back- so despite being thirsty, I don't drink anything.

It always comes back, no matter what I do, though. And nothing really helps. I've tried it all.

I will not miss the heartburn one bit.

Other than that, things are going well. I did my GluCola challenge on Monday afternoon, and we will find out the results at my appointment on Thursday. I also talked to Abigail about being in the delivery room; she wants to be there. We were torn at first, worrying that it is too graphic for a child, but then it occurred to me that I think one of the main things wrong with the way young girls are taught to view childbirth and even their own sexuality is that very little of it is based in reality. In other areas of the world, it is totally natural to have your children present at the birth of their younger sibling, especially your female children. I think this helps girls learn a healthier view of childbirth and sexuality than what they learn from popular culture.

In addition, Abigail is really fearful about me being in the hospital, so much so that if we didn't have contraindications for a home birth, we would strongly consider it. I am not sure why she is scared of the hospital, but my guess is that it has something to do with the fact that John and I talk about people dying at the hospital (it's a reality of our work.) The girls go for a "big sibling orientation" at the hospital in a few weeks, which will give the kids a tour of the L&D/post-partum area and talk about what to expect when I am in labor. I am sure this will help Abigail a little bit, but mostly, I think she will feel better knowing that she can keep an eye on me.

We also have set realistic expectations for Abigail being at the hospital. We plan to bring a laptop and headphones so that she can watch movies while I am in labor. In fact, she will pack a bag, too- a "fun pack" of stuff to do, change of clothes, PJs, toothbrush, etc. We believe it's best if she is present but not necessarily "engaged" in the situation more than she is comfortable with... for instance, I don't think she needs to have the "doctor's view" of the delivery, although if she wants to, I don't care if she does (John and I call this the "natural sex deterrent.") We also have a plan so that if she decides she doesn't want to be in the room, she can leave. The idea is not to force anything. I think it will work well for Abigail- that's just the kind of kid she is. I don't think it would work well for Anna, even if she was older. That's just the kind of kid Anna is.

Recent name ideas from the girls include Hope (for either a boy or girl), and Christmas (for a boy, according to Anna.)

26 Weeks Bump Check

2010-07-26T14:07:00.000-04:00

First, I need to clean our bathroom mirror.

Second, we hit the 26 week mark on Saturday, July 24. If I can make it another 10 weeks, I will be "term." If I can make it another 8 weeks, I will have exceeded expectations:) If I go another 6 weeks, I will be pretty satisfied that our baby will be healthy and have a relatively short NICU stay. (If I go another 12 weeks, I will basically have to try all those home remedies for self-induction!) The idea of going to term suddenly seems much more realistic and reachable.

Depending on who you talk to, the third trimester has started, is starting, or will start at the end of this week... it really feels like an accomplishment, while at the same time bringing with it a bit of urgency to make sure I have the basics ready (ie, crib, car seat, diapers, breast pump, clothes.) The baby is going nuts and actually woke me up this morning with some ferocious karate (Ross-style.) Nugget is approximately 14" long and weighs 1.5-2 lbs. I continue to sound more and more like a bowl of Rice Krispies with all the joints loosening and popping, although since I have not been working a ton, my back is not feeling too bad. My fundal height is still right on target:)

Big plans this week include work, and the wonderful GluCola challenge/3rd trimester blood work! I plan to do that this afternoon, as long as my stomach calms down a little. That stuff totally made me want to barf when I was pregnant with Abigail. Then again, everything made me want to barf when I was pregnant with Abigail, so I guess that is not a reliable predictor.

Bumpdate- 25 weeks

2010-07-24T09:10:00.000-04:00

On Thursday we had our 25 week doctor's visit. There's not too much to be said about that- more of the same with the whole "we can't predict what is going to happen so monitor for any changes or anything you feel is not normal."

I really hate that word: normal.

Maybe it's because I think at the core, we all have worried that we were not "normal" at some point. I mean, isn't that what junior high school, and even part of high school, and heck, maybe even a good part of your early 20s is kind of about... that fear that maybe you aren't going to find your place in this world because you are just not normal?

Maybe I speak only for myself, but even so, the frequent reminders to call with anything that doesn't seem "normal" has me so on edge. Because I am not sure if I know what normal is... or if I even know what "normal for me" is. It's just so freaking subjective!

Anyway, the Nugget's heart rate was 162 beats per minute and my fundal height was measuring right at 26 cm. So, by all objective measures, thins look good. I feel pretty good, too- except for the worry that I am not "normal" and am thereby going to miss some important clue that something is going wrong.

Next week I get to do the lovely glucola challenge. Yum. Or not.

Bumpdate 24 Weeks- And a rant.

2010-07-16T21:53:00.000-04:00

First of all, my belly looks smaller than last week. Smaller, but pointy-er. Like the baby is not up in my stomach so much as down in my gut. Either way, the Nugget is all up in my organs. Particularly my diaphragm, which I am sure has been injured resulting in a hiatal hernia... hence all the heartburn. Thanks, kid:)

So, the good news: cervix is 2.6cm! And maybe I don't have to be high risk- just intermediate!

The bad news: my appointment sucked. Not that the doctor didn't tell me all that they know about my situation and discuss options given the various outcomes. He did. The problem is that that there is simply not much known about my particular situation. To be honest, most women who experience pre-term labor/delivery do so based on a few particular circumstances: pre-eclampsia/eclampsia (dangerously high blood pressure), trauma (injury of some sort that induces labor or causes a woman to be unable to continue carrying a child safely), drug abuse, or women who have a history of pre-term labor with or without cervical incompetence.

I do not fit any of those categories. The reason I am at a higher risk is because of the history of surgery I have had, including a major surgery on my cervix in August, 2009. There is no category for me. The number of women of childbearing age who have had the surgery I had last year and then gone on to conceive a child are few... un-studyable. Certainly, if anyone in the OB/GYN department at my institution has dealt with a woman with my history, they haven't told me or any of the other doctors (I always knew I was special.)

Since we can't really compare me to a similar group of people, we really are in the dark about what to expect. At this point, things could go very wrong, very quickly... or not. My cervix could drastically shorten and open unexpectedly... and just as equally I could experience a failure of the cervix to open when it is supposed to! Or, things could be absolutely perfect for the rest of my pregnancy, and I could avoid the problem I had when I was pregnant with Abigail (low amniotic fluid) and have no complications from my clotting disorder. We just don't know. Which is terribly frustrating.

And which is why I was referred to the experts. Because while they don't know things- while they can't predict the future any more than you or I, they can certainly give an opinion. As a nurse and a doctor, John and I are rarely interested in opinions of health care providers, but in a situation like this, where he and I are both out of our element and where there is no "fact" available, we are looking for an educated opinion. That's really all I wanted.

And that is the one thing I didn't get.

I asked specific, reasonable questions and got crap for answers. The doctor continually stated that I should make the team aware of any "concerns", but when I asked how I should know when I to be "concerned," he gave me nothing. Are there any signs of a shortening cervix other than bloody discharge that I can look for at home? No, not really. Is there any way for me to tell if my contractions (which I have been having for weeks) are causing cervical change? Nope, although they can check me out if I go into the Labor and Deliver department. So how do I know when to be "concerned?" Well, just be aware of changes was the response that I got. Repeatedly I asked what kind of changes or what kind of symptoms I should look out for, and I got not a single objective measure. The doctor continually told me that if I "felt" different, I should be concerned... if things didn't seem "normal," I should call them.

Let me just rant for a moment...

1. I am pregnant. I "feel" differently all the time- literally from moment to moment. My feelings are volatile. Do you really want me to call you every time I "feel" different?

2. I am not sure I know what a "normal" pregnancy is supposed to "feel" like. In many ways, Abigail's pregnancy was so much more difficult than this pregnancy- I was vomiting constantly, more exhausted than I am now, and never once had a painful contraction until I was in active labor. This pregnancy has had shortness of breath, chest pain, intense contractions, heartburn, and very little vomiting- as well as off-the-charts levels of stress. Are either of those a "normal" pregnancy?

3. Why is he putting everything on me, as if it's my job to know what is "normal" in pregnancy? And why can't he give me any objective rather than subjective measures to guide my decision-making? We don't tell diabetics to go to the ER if they "feel" abnormal, we tell them to check their blood sugar and come to the ER if it is above or below certain numbers. We don't tell people to avoid their blood pressure medication if their heart rate is below normal- we tell them to avoid it if their heart rate is less than 60 (or 55, or 50 or whatever) beats per minute. So why am I being given subjective terms like "normal" and "feel."

4. I am all about trusting my gut- as a nurse, I do it frequently. But when there is a baby in my gut, I don't think my gut is very reliable.

5. Do you have any idea how stressful it is for me to think that if something were to happen- if something were to go wrong, it would be because I had a messed up sense of how I was supposed to "feel" and whether the way I felt was "normal"? I HAVE ENOUGH MOTHER-GUILT. I DON'T NEED ANYONE ADDING CIRCUMSTANCES THAT WOULD ONLY SERVE TO INCREASE MY GUILT LEVEL!

End rant.

So, not the most fulfilling doctor's appointment. We will meet back with my intermediate risk doctors next week and hopefully get a better idea of what we should be doing/not doing/monitoring for, etc...

On the other hand, the high risk doctor thought it would be okay to return the the "honeymooning" that John and I were missing out on:) Now, if only my stress level wasn't through the roof, John might be a happy husband!

The V Word

2010-07-12T11:17:00.000-04:00

Warning: This may be a controversial post for some. I am not trying to be offensive in any way- just sharing our thoughts about a sensitive subject. You don't have to agree with me by any means; as a matter of fact, I expect very few of you to agree with me. That is fine- in such a personal matter, we can only come to truly know our own beliefs through deep introspection, and this post is the result of such for John and I, which has been fueled by our own experiences as well as through examination of research. Please know that I post this with the utmost humility and sincerity, respecting the sanctity of human life.

The V Word. Kind of a dirty word, in a way... a word that makes me feel dirty, somehow. But not really "dirty" the way a cuss word is dirty, nor greasy the way it is when speaking the word "moist." More like unsettling- like the feeling the word "scabies" induces in me- minus the itching and grossness.

Viability.

It's a clinical word- a word we don't use at home. Technically, our baby achieved the age of viability on Saturday, the 24 week mark of this pregnancy. However, viability at 24 weeks is only truly viable if the baby weighs more than 500 grams (a little over 1 pound.) Under 500 grams, the babies don't really live- or at least, don't live long, even with advanced medical interventions. My sister works in a NICU where they are well-known for pioneering interventions to keep tiny babies alive- they top the list of hospitals to have discharged the smallest babies. But even those tiny babies were gestationally older than our baby is... at this point- between the 24th and 28th week, our baby will go from needing a ventilator and extended NICU stay, to being able to breath fairly well without a ventilator and only needing a relatively short NICU stay. Even still, NICUs and Neonatologists around the world are trying to figure out how to keep babies that are not even at the 24 week mark alive, even if it means they live their entire lives hooked up to machines. And even if it means that many of them will not make it past the one month mark- let alone into childhood.

There are stories out there of babies who were 24 weeks- or even younger- and did amazingly well and had outcomes far greater than what could be expected of a baby of comparable gestational age. While I am not one to discount miracles, I often think that those babies were probably older gestationally than they were thought to be. I mean, how many women can pinpoint within 24-36 hours the time that their baby was conceived (besides me)? More than 50% of babies in this country are "surprise" babies, and women are often shockingly uncouth when it comes to the intricacies of their fertility cycle, not to mention that all women are assumed to have a 28 day cycle when determining gestational age, and many, if not most women who are not on birth control do NOT have a 28 day cycle.

But anyway, the V word came up at our last OB visit. The doctor said flat out that now that we were close to viability, we need to consider every decision that would remove me from immediate access to top-tier OB and NICU care (or at least the best of what is available in our area. Which isn't really too shabby- you know, my hospital delivered and cared for the Gosselin sextuplets. And I've been seen and examined by both of the OBs mentioned in that article:) While I agree with the doctor in some ways, it really did freak me out.

I guess, up until this point, I knew that if something were to happen, knowing that medically the baby did not meet the criteria for viability, John and I would be completely in control of the decision-making. We would get to choose to deliver or try to stop the baby from coming based on what was safest and best for both the baby and I. If we delivered, we would be in control of that situation, too, knowing we could choose to simply kick everyone out after the baby was born and just be alone with our angel.

But suddenly, knowing the baby is "viable" (and our little Nugget is estimated to weigh over 500 grams right now), we as the parents get fewer choices. Suddenly, if something were to happen, the decision-making would be skewed, and the power placed into the hands of the neonatologists that might have different priorities than we do. The OBs would almost certainly defer to the advice of the neonatologists, and this would no longer be about John and I and the life I am carrying, but about a baby whose parents are just trying to hang on during the crazy ride that is life in the NICU.

Don't get me wrong, I admire and respect neonatologists. I have a huge amount of respect for NICU nurses- it is a field of nursing I don't think I could ever pursue. But sometimes, I think that we as parents have different priorities than they as health care providers have.

John and I are big proponents of palliative and hospice care in the patient population that we serve. We feel that length of life is secondary to quality of life. Often, when patients are facing circumstances where they can prolong their life without having any quality of life- sometimes without even the capacity to think, feel, or engage in life, there is a group of care providers who want to keep fighting for prolonging life, and there is a group of providers who wants to focus on bringing as much meaning and fulfillment into the remainder of the patient's life. This is a discussion that is often made easier when the patient is of advanced age and deteriorating health- I mean, most people feel better about palliative and hospice care when you are talking about your 95 year old grandma who already has had dementia and 2 strokes. It's harder when you are talking about options with the 62 year old gentleman who is awaiting the birth of his first grandchild while his cancer wreaks havoc on his body despite all the chemo and radiation we can throw at him. But, John and I both strongly feel that despite the circumstances, our focus should be on helping patients achieve the quality of life they want. Which means, if what they want is to die knowing that every option was exhausted- even knowing that their chemo was killing them, then we should do that. But if what they want is to die surrounded by family and friends, pain-free and peaceful, then we have an obligation to make that happen to the best of our ability.

We feel this way because we believe that it is not the beating heart and the exchange of oxygen and carbon dioxide that make a life. Life is truly so much more than biochemical processes. Living is more than keeping cells alive and reproducing. And even thought we often have medical technologies that can keep those biochemical processes going- sometimes indefinitely- they should be used with discretion. Just because we can treat doesn't mean we should. As the providers, this is rarely, if ever, a decision that is left to us. This is a decision that the patient- if they are able- and the patient's family must make together. But we as the care providers are there with them as they make these decisions.

We believe that a baby, regardless of gestational age at birth, is a gift. The life of that child is precious, unique, and a great responsibility for us. It is our job as parents to foster our children's quality of life, not just length of life.

And at 24 weeks gestation, just because we can continue the biochemical processes through technology doesn't mean we necessarily should. As providers, we know this. As parents, we feel strongly about this. As a person of faith, I know that miracles can happen, but I also know that I am not the person choosing who is granted a miracle. I also know that miracles will happen without regard to the medical interventions we provide, and sometimes in spite of them. I choose to put my faith in God, not in man- not meaning that we discount the medical technologies, rather that we chose to use them with discretion.

But at the end of the day, neonatal care is one area where no decision-making is given to the patient (obviously) and very little is given to the parents. Options for palliative care- care that focuses on quality of life rather than length of life- are few. In fact, while I don't know the exact procedure at our facility, I do know that in some circumstances, parents have been stripped of their decision-making rights and children have been placed in protective custody over the choice to treat or palliate neonates. I mean, these doctors are neonatologists, not perinatal palliative specialists- their priorities are to treat and prolong life. And sometimes those who don't agree with their decisions get plowed down- even if it is the parents.

Again, I don't want to say this is true, necessarily, at our facility. But I do know that having reached the age of viability, there will be tremendous pressure on us as the parents to allow the neonatologists a free hand in determining the care our baby would receive. And we don't know that we would agree to using all of the interventions that medicine has to offer. We can't say now what we would or would not do as so much of our decisions would be based on the baby and how he/she was doing as well as gestational age, but the point I am trying to make is that we want to be able to make the decisions that we feel are most respectful of our child's life and purpose in this world. And having reached a point where science and medicine become single-minded in goals of treatment, we want to keep our options open.

Viability means being capable of living. But the definition of living is what I question in the world of neonatology. Knowing that our definition and the definition of the doctors might be very different makes me nervous... and sad.... and in a way, it makes me feel a little bit dirty. Not because I think my definition of living is wrong, but rather because I think the doctor's definition of living is so removed from what life really is. I think medical technology has perverted the meaning of living and reduced it to a series of cellular processes. And I want our baby to have more than cellular processes, even if it means it is only for a few moments that our baby gets to truly live.

Bumpdate 23 Weeks

2010-07-11T01:15:00.000-04:00

Well, now we've gone and done it!

We had our 23 week OB visit on Monday, followed by a cervix check on Tuesday. At our OB visit, a few things were decided based on the "borderline" cervical measurement from last week.

1. I am not to be traveling- if something were to happen, I would have the best chance of getting the best and most appropriate care from our team at our hospital because they know me and have all the records (as well as a plan for what to do if something did go wrong.)

2. I have been "upgraded" from "intermediate" risk to "high" risk. Yippee! In some ways, this was a bummer (who wants to be told they are high risk?) but in other ways, it's totally cool. High risk was managing the cervical checks, but intermediate risk was managing ME, so it was a little difficult to know who was in charge or who my main "point person" was. This way, we are down to one service line, and since high risk will be following us the rest of the pregnancy, concerns about low amniotic fluid levels will be easily managed. Hopefully.

3. I freak out when people bring up the "V" word. Not in the doctor's office, but at home. And I am thankful I have a husband who knows what to do when I am on the verge of loosing it. (I will post about the V word later...)

On Tuesday, we had much better news:) My cervical length INCREASED from 2.3 cm to 2.7 cm!!!! This is, I am assuming, fairly rare (I don't know, because part of controlling the freak out is NOT consulting Google, much as I may want to:) This doesn't mean that we are out of the woods, it just means that we are good for now. We will have one more cervical length measurement next week, and again we will make decisions based on that measurement.

We won't be doing more cervical length measurements after the 24th week, because at that time it becomes a matter of "pre-term" labor rather than cervical incompetence (which, in this particular case, seems to me to be a matter of semantics, but whatever...) This is especially irritating because I have been having contractions, and we are not sure if they are related to the cervical changes or not... if they are, then it is considered "pre-term labor" after the 24th week, as "labor" is contractions that result in cervical change (which is why "false labor" is false... it's contractions that don't result in cervical change.) So I guess I will be asking a lot of questions at our next appointment. I mean, without routine cervical checks, how do I know when I should be concerned about my contractions? Some of them have been pretty intense (and that is saying a lot considering I KNOW what contractions feel like... what triple-peaking-never-ending-only-30-seconds-between-them-and-no-pain-meds-to-take-the-edge-off contractions feel like. How do I know when to call the doctor? Very frustrating. And definitely a semantic discussion far too detailed for me.

In other pregnancy news.... I am feeling, well, huge. And heartburny. I can feel the Nugget doing all sorts of yoga or Pilate's or something, and let me tell you, my diaphragm doesn't like it! As a matter of fact, the assaults on my diaphragm are probably why I am so heartburny- I probably have a hernia now! I also have some very beauteous swelling in my ankles when I work all day, despite my industrial strength lederhosen.

Anna things that if the Nugget is a girl, we should call her Abigail. So that both of her sisters are named Abigail. Easy enough to remember, I guess:)

Abigail took one look at me on Wednesday and said "Wow, your belly has gotten bigger!" Granted, she hadn't seen me since Sunday afternoon (spending time with her grandparents) and I was wearing a new maternity shirt that did increase the appearance of my bump, but still... it kind of made me feel, well, huger than I was already feeling.

One of the girls at work said she things I am having a boy, because I "still look the same." She as following the adage that girls steal your beauty and boys steal your energy. She said I looked good (thanks:) but was always saying how tired I am. And so it must be a boy. John is stoked and finally has an old wives' tale that he can put some stock into:)

My grandma is becoming a bit forgetful. Which, at nearly 90, is okay. My mom told her that I was pregnant at the end of my first trimester when we officially announced it to the world (or at least to the rest of our family, co-workers, and Facebook/Interneters.) When my mom told her I would not be coming out to Chicago at the end of the month, she acted as though that were Totally New Information (think: Phoebe on Friends) and claimed she didn't even know I was pregnant. Um, okay:)

Oh, hahahahah! The joke's on John! The doc said Monday that any unnecessary "wear and tear" on my cervix should be avoided. That means John has more than just a 6 week post-partum wait... he has the rest of the pregnancy (however long that is) PLUS the 6 weeks post-partum! He thinks that by accepting this and not fighting against this new edict, it will inevitably force nature to prolong the pregnancy as long as possible, just to test his resolve (reverse psychology, maybe?). Yeah, we'll see:) For now, he is getting an awful lot of teasing from his parents. His mom told him that this is what he gets for knocking me up so quickly. My mom thinks that this is what he gets for thinking that now that he's married he gets to do "it" ALL THE TIME. And at the risk of over-sharing, I will say that sometimes I think this is God having mercy on my poor, exhausted body... I feel way less guilty about going straight to bed every night since our options for evening entertainment have been limited to Netflixing the BBC version of Robin Hood, playing with the cats, and voting for Jose on So You Think You Can Dance.

In all honesty, though, this has really made me appreciate my hubby on a whole other level, because he has not made me feel bad about any of the restrictions (travel/vacation, work, sex, or anything else that might come up) the way some guys have been known to guilt their ladies. In fact, he is nothing but supportive of my and the Nugget's health and well-being, even if it means working harder and crazier hours to save up for a very unpredictable future, while knowing that all that waits for him at home is an ever-expanding wife who has managed to zap the "honeymoon phase" out of the first year of our marriage. I love that guy.

Bumpdate 22 Weeks

2010-06-29T16:55:00.001-04:00

In the words of my sister... "Yowsa! Where'd that come from?"

I could definitely feel that I was getting bigger this week- lots of back and hip pain, and the sensation of my skin stretching to accommodate the bump. It didn't help that this week my rump also decided it was carrying a baby. Now none of my scrub pants fit- not because they won't cover my bump (I wear them below the belly) but because I can't get them up over my butt!

We had good news and not-so-good news at the doctor yesterday.

The good: baby looks great, heart rate is great, and all my amniotic fluid is still right where it should be:)

The not so good news: my cervix is measuring short. 2.3cm to be exact. This is continuing a downward trend, and places my cervical length firmly in the "borderline" category. If it gets shorter or possibly even if it stays the same, I am looking at bed rest. If it gets really shorter, I will probably be on bed rest in the hospital. I guess there is a possibility that it could lengthen, but that would be unusual, especially since I am getting bigger and still having contractions on and off.

Our summer vacation plans are on hold for the time being. Even if I'm not on bed rest, we still don't know if it will be a good time to be so far away from our doctors and care team, because these things can change quickly. It is almost certainly not a good time to be away for a few weeks at a time, since my weekly monitoring would be fairly difficult to do with me in another state. So, we have to wait and see what the measurements are next week. :(

I am a little sad, a little bummed, and a whole lot grateful that we have the technology to prevent a devastating outcome.

The baby is getting a little cramped. Nugget has a hand near the mouth and another bent up to the ear or above the head, and knees bent up nearly in the fetal position.

Bumpdate 21 Weeks

2010-06-21T20:18:00.000-04:00

I took the girls with me to my ultrasound last week. What fun:) I am not sure Anna connected the image on the machine screen to the baby in my belly, but Abigail loved it! The baby was quite clearly swallowing, which was interesting to watch on ultrasound, and the baby also gave a little wave. Both Abigail and Anna had fun touching the gel on my belly.

The cervix length is great, and the baby continues to look good. No chest pain, and just occasional shortness of breath. Nothing too exciting- just the way I like it!

We had our OB visit today, and spent about 15 minutes on the contraction monitor because I was having contractions about every 20 minutes at work. Seems that as soon as I put my feet up and relaxed, the contractions stopped:) Thatclearly means that I should put my feet up more often, right?

Bump Check- 20 weeks and Update

2010-06-12T23:13:00.000-04:00

I have enough of a bump now, that when I bend over, I feel like I am bending over my little belly ball. I also have started the "pregnancy sit" (John's term) where if I am sitting and need to lean forward, I have to move my legs apart to make room for my bump.

My back has been totally whack for a week, and I can't get enough of the chiropractor. Plus, their handy-dandy table offers me a place to lay on my stomach comfortably:)

Everything was good at our ultrasound on Wednesday. The Nugget was sucking thumb/fingers, and really having a good time of it, too:) Everything looks good, and the cervix is doing it's thing! A few more weeks of weekly checks, and then we can ease up a bit... although I will miss seeing my little Nugget:(

Nugget rubbing his/her eye.

Bump Check- 19 Weeks

2010-06-06T21:38:00.000-04:00

The baby has been tending to stay on the right side of my abdomen. Abigail carried the same way, until I went to the chiropractor at 34 weeks and had my hip adjusted into the right place. Guess where I am headed tomorrow afternoon?

Anna spent some time with a precious baby this afternoon... something she doesn't often have a chance to do. The little cutie was 7 months old, and Anna was both fascinated and afraid. We had a lovely discussion about babies, and she decided we should have a baby like that. She then reassured me,"don't worry, Daddy doesn't eat babies." Anna enjoyed holding hands with the baby, once she was reassured that she is allowed to touch the baby. Well, she enjoyed it until the baby, who is in that put-everything-in-the-mouth stage tried to put Anna's had into her mouth to much on. That freaked Anna out a bit:)

Abigail also played with the baby this afternoon, and I know she is going to rock as a big sister. She is so attentive, kind and patient. As a matter of fact, the other day she was complaining about being a big sister. "Sometimes I am doing something and Anna tells me to stop, even though I want to keep playing." We let her know that she can use a bit of her big sister power to say NO to the little sister... but it's just not in her nature. She loves to make her little sissy happy:) She's such a sweet girl.

Pucker Up!

2010-06-03T14:52:00.002-04:00

Nugget wants a kiss! Here is the Nuggets nose and lips (slightly opened). I think the Nugget does have John's lips. And probably his nose, too.

This baby can kick! I give you- a foot print... (I think the image on the right side of the picture is the left leg.)

Tastes like Hand

2010-06-03T09:29:00.010-04:00

We had our full anatomy ultrasound yesterday. Everything looks good. I really enjoyed seeing all the "finer" points of the anatomy... not just arms and legs, but kidneys, bladder, diaphragm, the chambers of the heart, the umbilicial cord, and the placenta to name a few:)

We could have found out gender several times now, but we are still waiting to be surprised. John thinks (hopes) it is a boy, but my gut is saying girl. Time will tell!

We got to see the baby yawning (apparently we are exhausting the little Nugget:) I was going to post a video of the Nugget trying to stuff his/her hand into her/his mouth, but I cannot get the video to upload anywhere (via blogger, youtube, onetruemedia, etc...) So here is a picture instead. The tech though the Nugget had John's profile.

Okay, here's another one. Because anatomy scans are fun! Right arm touching head (maybe the ear?)

Last one... Baby is face down and that is the Nugget's spine. Look at all those vertebrae!

Bump Check- 18 Weeks

2010-05-29T23:26:00.000-04:00

My sister says the bump looks smaller than last week, and I kind of agree. But the Nugget is actually measuring a bit larger than we expected... at our 17w5d visit, Nugget was measuring about a whole week larger. And my belly numbers are measuring exactly as they should. I think it's just that the bump keeps getting longer instead of sticky-outer-er. Does that make sense?

My cousin remarked that this is not really a baby bump so much as it is chips and pizza. John now wants to call the baby "chips and pizza." Um... no.

Did I mention that the baby thinks my bladder is a trampoline? I know you are jealous.

In other news, I am getting tired of showing you my shower curtain every week. Maybe I should put some subliminal messages up on Cinderella's skirt to see who picks up on it?

Medical Update and a Photo

2010-05-26T23:07:00.000-04:00

Good news: more medical tests and doctors appointment continue to reassure us that my shortness of breath and chest pain are not from a major heart/lung problem or blood clots. We don't think the symptoms are causing any harm to me or the baby, and the most concerning symptom (low oxygen levels) seems to have resolved!

Bad news: I continue to have intermittent shortness of breath and chest pain, even with minimal exertion. It's sometimes accompanied by lightheadedness, which could mean a low blood pressure or low oxygen level during the episodes. We still don't know what is causing it.

So, we are following up with the doctor tomorrow to see if my bedrest can end and if I can return to work, etc. Today we had an ultrasound that showed a good cervical length (> 3cm) so that is reassuring, too. Go cervix, go! We also saw the Nugget waving at us on the ultrasound. Aww!

Anna has decided that the baby is a boy. She keeps insisting that it's a boy, and will grow up to be a big girl, just like her. She also approves of the names Ryan, Momma, and Daddy for the baby.

Abigail still likes the names Claire and Walter, although Drexel and Daisy came up today. Hmm.

Bump Check- 17 weeks

2010-05-24T09:05:00.000-04:00

So, how jealous are you of my princess shower curtain? I thought so.

Bumps in the Road

2010-05-20T13:47:00.000-04:00

So, we knew going into this pregnancy that there was a higher likelihood of experiencing some difficulties than a normal woman of my age and relative health would have with pregnancy. We consulted with several physicians before attempting to conceive, and came up with plans for how to approach and manage these potential complications.

And so far, everything that we thought would be a problem has turned out okay. Just had a cervix check yesterday, and everything looks healthy and fantastic and my body is keeping the baby way it needs to be.

But, there have been some other bumps in the road:(

I had been having some shortness of breath- not unusual in pregnancy because of the extra blood volume and weight, etc. But on Monday, that shortness of breath was also accompanied by some chest pain. Off we went to the ER, where we also found that my oxygen level was much lower than it should be when I was walking around (but okay when I was resting.)

A slew of tests, doctors appointments, and labs ensued ... and we still have no good answers. We know what it's NOT, but we don't know what it IS. This is frustrating, although knowing that the worst case scenarios have been ruled out is reassuring.

So, as of today, I am officially on bed rest until cleared by more specialists and my OB. Hopefully, these symptoms will turn out to be transient, perhaps related to a virus or something like that which is not immediately apparent but easily resolved. Only time will tell.

In the mean time, I will leave you with a few happier thoughts:

When we told the kids we were having a baby, I gave Anna a lemon to show her how little the baby was. For a week, she carried the lemon around- in pockets, purses, or just in her hand- and referred to it as her baby. Then she kind of forgot about it, as 3 year olds are prone to do. Until the other day at the grocery....

Anna: look Momma, a baby!
Me: that's a lemon, not a baby.
Anna: yeah!

*************************

Anna: Momma, I take the baby for the roller.
Me: what?
Anna: for the roller.
Me: the what?
Anna: the roller! Like this! (and proceeds to push her baby stroller into the bathroom.)

*************************

Me: Abigail, what should we name the baby if it's a girl?
Abigail: Um, I like the name Anabelle.
Me: Don't you think it would be confusing to have an Anna and an Anabelle?
Abigail: No, because Anabelle is spelled A-N-A and Anna is spelled A-N-N-A.
Me: I see.

*************************

Teta: Abigail, what should we name the baby?
Abigial: Well, I thnk Claire for a girl or Walter for a boy.
Teta: Those are nice names. Anna, what should we call the baby if it's a sister?
Anna: Take a nap.
Teta: And what if it's a boy?
Anna: Eat. And poop.

Bump Check- 16 weeks

2010-05-18T16:14:00.000-04:00

Bump check- 16 weeks. Naked belly + clothed belly.

And a princess shower curtain.

Bump Check

2010-05-12T20:19:00.000-04:00

Because my sister won't stop harassing me to post a picture of my bump, I am giving you the 2 pictures that exist of said bump. Both taken by yours truly on my iPhone while wearing old PJs in the dimly-lit bathroom at my in-law's house (read: high quality photographs, people.)

Photo One: 14 weeks (taken Saturday, May 1)

I could tell there was something there, and promptly sent it off to my hubby in a text message, since he was half a country away. I think the kids have a name for those provocative text messages...? (that was a joke.)

Photo Two: 15 weeks (taken Saturday, May 8)

I will admit, the noticeable difference in bump size really got me excited. Along with the news I received earlier in the week that I had only gained half a pound in 4 weeks. Although, in scrubs, you still can't tell anything is there. Which is okay, I guess. I'm sure I will be waddling around soon enough.

Dear Nugget

2010-05-11T22:12:00.000-04:00

Dear Nugget,

I understand that you are living in pretty cramped conditions. It's probably fairly boring in there, and the constant thumping of my heart must be monotonous. I am sure you wish you could see the vibrant spring colors and smell the heavy weight of lilacs in the air. I get it- you need a hobby, because there's not much else for you to do right now.

But please, Nugget, could you consider a hobby other than giving Momma constant heartburn? Honestly, feeling like my esophagus is burning a hole through my throat and an angry wad of fire is about to errupt from my neck and strangle me is surprisingly unpleasent. And when I lay down and that that firepit in my throat ALSO happens to burn in my nose and ears? Yes, also very unpleasent. Not to mention, Momma is quickly running out of Tums.

If you would be so kind as to look for another hobby, I would be happy to provide you with more stimulation, such as the sound of your father snoring- a sound which you might be missing right now, since I can't lay down in bed. Other hobbies that would be appropriate right now include: karate (for the next 10-15 weeks, then we would probably have to look into a new hobby), swallowing your own amniotic fluid, or writing poetry.

Hope you are as comfortable as possible. Hope you know your sisters kiss you every day. Hope you find a new hobby!

Love,
Momma

Birthmother's Day

2010-05-08T08:00:00.001-04:00

I tried to explain to Anna that there was a baby in my tummy, and in a few months, we will be able to hold and kiss and love our baby. She didn't get it. I handed her a lemon to show her how little the baby is now, and I am pretty convinced that she thought the lemon was the baby. She carries her lemon around and kisses it and calls it "my baby."

We were talking last night about the baby in my tummy, and Anna said "in your tummy, just like me." I explained again that Anna didn't grow in my tummy, but that she came to live in our family so that we could love her hand hug her and kiss her. This was the first time I think she really understood the difference between a baby that grows in your tummy and a baby that comes to your family another way.

Then we talked about Anna's first mom, her birth mom. At 3, I really don't know how much she understands, but I hope she understands how much I love, appreciate, and respect this woman who trusted me with such a wonderful child.

Today, the day before Mother's Day, is Birthmother's Day. Today we honor the first mothers, who, through their gift, gave us the blessing of motherhood through adoption.

We're having a baby!

2010-05-07T17:33:00.000-04:00

On Monday, we took Abigail to my OB visit to tell her that we are having a baby:)

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Pregnancy. And stuff.

2010-04-28T19:51:00.001-04:00

WARNING: What follows is a detailed journal of our transition from not pregnant, to pregnant, to ready to tell everyone that we are expecting. In the (very long) ramblings that follow, I talk about hormones, my cycle, morning sickness and a whole host of other things that you may not want to read.

Cliff Notes Version: We are due 10/31/10. Scroll down for an ultrasound picture. Shhh! We haven't told the kids yet.

The Novel Version:

On Friday, Febuary 7, my home ovulation predictor kit showed a positive LH surge. We had been attempting to conceive since our wedding (December 26, 2009) and this was my second cycle that we had been "trying", and only the first cycle wherein we "caught" my LH surge (we did not effectively use the OPK in the previous cycle.) I had not been on any contraception since my surgery on August 12, 2009.

My cycles had been varying in length since my surgery and since I went off the NuvaRing. The last few cycles were 24-26 days in length. By day 28, I was feeling like there was a possibility that I was pregnant. I felt different. I didn't feel PMSy- I wasn't breaking out- and I was soooo tired, all the time. On Friday, February 19, my home pregnancy kit was positive. I contacted my doctor (a reproductive endocrinology and infertility specialist- the same one who performed my surgery) and she scheduled an appointment for the next day.

On Saturday, February 20, I saw my doctor and had labs drawn. Based on the first day of my last menstrual period, my due date would be 10/28/10, but based on the date of my LH surge (and probable date of conception), my due date would be 10/31/10.

Sat., Feb 20, 2010: 4 weeks, 1 day (13 days post ovulation): hCG= 80.5, Progesterone= 30.1. Recheck labs scheduled for 2/22/10; goal is to see progesterone remain greater than 20 and for hCG to double or nearly double.

Mon., Feb 22, 2010: 4w, 3d (15 dpo): hCG= 207.3 (!!!), Progesterone= 26.1. Plan is to continue to check labs until hCG>1500, at which time they will do a transvaginal ultrasound; I am scheduled to have labs again on Friday. They are considering me as 4w, 1d rather than 4w, 3d because my LH surge was "late." I am wondering if this "more than doubling" of my hCG is related to the timing of my labwork... or if it could possibly be related to having more than one fertilized egg...??? According to this information, my levels could be consistent with twins:)

Fri., Feb 26, 2010: 4w, 5d (19dpo): hCG= 916.9, Progesterone= 21.7.... Again, the hCG level is higher than expected and could be consistent with twins. I was concerned about the dropping progesterone level, but the doctor stated that as long as the level stays elevated (greater than 10) there is no need to be concerned. Plan is to repeat labs and a transvaginal ultrasound on Thursday, March 4 (5w, 5d or 26dpo). We should be able to tell if there is more than one baby at the ultrasound, and maybe (it would be a stretch) see a heartbeat!

Thurs., March 4, 2010: 5w, 5d (26 dpo): Progesterone= 14.4. No hCG done. Doctor is concerned that progesterone has now dropped to less than half of my initial levels, when it should actually be rising (progesterone levels should peak for the first trimester a little later, and still be rising throughout the entire pregnancy.) Started on daily progesterone injections. We did have an ultrasound and saw the yolk sac. Not much else. But thankfully, only one:) Besides the injections, the plan is to have another ultrasound on Thursday, March 11 (6w, 5d or 33dpo).

Mon., March 8, 2010: I was pretty riled up about the need for the progesterone injections. I guess it was one thing to have concerns about the pregnancy, and something else entirely to have those concerns validated. Also, after 4 days of injections, my butt is sore! I am supposed to continue the injections daily until the end of the first trimester. Around week 9, the placenta forms and takes over the progesterone production, so by the end of the first trimester, my progesterone levels should be good.

My little nudger is about the size of a lentil bean right now, but it's crazy how something so little can make such big problems. I had been having "morning sickness" on and off since about week 4, and last week I started taking vitamin B6 twice a day at the suggestion of my OB. It helped, but today was horrible. I spent the first hour of my shift trying not to vomit. People at work are starting to figure it out (the combo of being sick and cutting out the caffeine is pretty much a giveaway.) I guess I am going to up the B6 to three times a day.

We haven't told our parents yet, although since we plan to spend the weekend with John's folks, I think we will have to say something to them. Otherwise, it might be hard to explain why we are disposing of a large syringe and needle each night, and why I am not drinking coffee, and why I am drinking milk. I am hoping to see a heartbeat on our ultrasound on Thursday, which would make me feel better about telling them. Of course, I would tell my mom first, because she might be disappointed if I didn't:) John wanted to tell them sooner, but I just feel like with the possibility of problems, I don't want to disappoint or hurt anyone who doesn't have to be hurt.

I am exhausted. All the time. I spent the weekend reading and relaxing and napping and occasionally doing some mommy/housework stuff, and I was still exhausted almost every minute of the day. I think my exhaustion is worse since I started the progesterone, but my ability to sleep soundly is impaired. Before the shots, I could fall asleep and be out like a stone in minutes... and sleep soundly all night (and most of the next day.) Now I am sleeping more fitfully, and finding it harder to fall asleep. Also, I have breast soreness. Horrible, constant breast soreness. And sometimes, my patients jam their arms/legs/shoulders into me (most of them on accident, I think), and I nearly cry. I don't remember pregnancy being this hard with Abigail. I wonder if this is the effect of the 7 years between when I was pregnant with Abigail and now, or if it is simply a greater awareness of my body and what to be expecting.

Thurs., March 11, 2010: 6w, 5d (33dpo): Today we saw our baby's heart beat! Holy Toledo! Seeing that little pixel flickering on the ultrasound machine screen made this so much more real to me. Our little nudger is measuring 6 weeks and 2 days in size. With the evidence of a heartbeat, the risk of miscarriage is less than 5% (in healthy women. Our risk may be higher since the concern for cervical incompetence is higher.) I will have one more ultrasound next week with the infertility doctor, then I will begin seeing a regular OB, while being followed by the high-risk maternal-fetal medicine group. If everything looks good at the next ultrasound, my doctor will consider allowing me to stop the progesterone before the end of the first trimester- maybe around week 10. Let's hope.

I told my mom and sister tonight. They are both excited, although my sister said something to the effect of "well, it took you long enough! You've already been married for 10 weeks!" It made John and I think; we didn't actually plan to become pregnant this soon- we were kind of going to wait until John was in his final year of fellowship (it will be a "chief" year, so his salary will go up a bit, and he will be much closer to "attending" status) to actually become pregnant. But our doctor was so concerned that we would have problems and that my body would need so much extra help, that she encouraged us to start trying right away (generally, you have to have been "trying" for 6-12 months to have access to infertility drugs.) So this pregnancy is still a bit of a surprise for us. We never expected it to happen so soon, but I am so glad it did!

Tues., March 16, 2010: We told John's folks on Friday night. They are pretty excited, and can't wait until we give them the go-ahead to tell everyone else. While they love their 2 granddaughters, this is the first time they will have the "pregnancy" experience. I also had my first dream about the baby over the weekend. I dreamt the baby was a girl. Hmmm.

The weekend was a blur of exhaustion and morning sickness (such what a misnomer- let's call it all-day and most of the night sickness.) Sunday night I tried the last over-the-counter remedy that my doctor had to offer: half a tablet of Unisom at bedtime. Monday was much better- only mild morning sickness that went away by noon, and today, nothing so far! John did some research, and apparently, the company that markets Unisom used to market the drug as a morning sickness reliever, but the FDA kept asking for more and more studies to show the safety of the pill. There were never any studies that showed it was unsafe, but the company decided to take the other drug off the market because the cost of conducting more studies was not worth the potential profit from the drug. Thankfully, the doctors didn't forget about Unisom:) Added benefit: I am sleeping so much better!

I am 2 weeks and 1 day off caffeine. Oh. My. Word. I am okay, but still feel like I don't really "wake up" until 10 or 11am.

Thurs., March 18, 2010: 7w, 5d (40 dpo): That little pixel was flickering at a rate of 162 beats/minute today:) John thought that this was a good sign that our little nudger is a boy, but of course, the old wives' tales say that a heart rate greater than 140 bpm is a female and under 140 bpm is a male. But that is not really accurate unless you are already in labor or something. The sesame seed was measuring 7 weeks, 4 days, which is right on, and a significant increase from last week. Our doctor was very pleased with how things looked, and thusly said.... WE CAN STOP THE SHOTS AFTER TOMORROW NIGHT! Hooray! She also said that we are ready to "make the switch" over to the regular OB. (This is the same doctor who did my surgery in August, so I kind of feel like she was "cutting the cord" so to speak.) Very excited about our promising prospects, but still, sad to say goodbye to the doctor who has really meant so much to us in the past year.

I am feeling pretty good. I've been taking half a tablet of Unisom at bedtime, and my morning sickness is much more bearable. I see the nurse at the OB's office tomorrow to get all the intake paperwork and to go over the general dos and don'ts. Then we will see the OB on Friday, April 2.

Thurs., March 25, 2010: 8w, 5d (47 dpo): It was strange to not wake up and rush off for an ultrasound. But it was kind of good, because I had a horrible stomach bug Tuesday night and yesterday. I enjoyed a bit of a "lay in" this morning.

The cat (or nudger, rather) is kind of out of the bag at work... I declined taking the admission of a patient over the weekend because he had 3 of the TORCH infections; I might have taken him if he had only one infection- HIV, for instance, is really not much of a risk to a health care worker who is careful about standard body precautions and sharps. But three of the infections- one of which is highly contagious? No thanks. This is something I never really thought about when I was expecting Abigail, but now, as a nurse working with very ill and immune-compromised patients, I think about it a lot. I already talked to my doctor about H1N1. 25% of pregnant women who contract H1N1 die; the risk of exposure for a nurse is not negligible. However, I did receive my vaccine last fall, and along with the use of hand hygiene, masks, and common sense (as well as the guidelines put in place by my hospital at the guidance of the CDC), I think this is pretty preventable, and much less of a risk than other diseases for which we do not have a vaccination.

Friday, April 2, 2010: 9w, 6d (53 dpo): We had our first visit with our OB this morning. Because I work at an academic medical center (and will be receiving all of my care there), we don't have the luxury of meeting and working with 1-3 doctors that comprise the practice... instead, we have the potential for seeing a different resident or attending physician with each visit. In a "normal" pregnancy, this wouldn't be a big concern, as a healthy woman with a healthy pregnancy sees her doctor more for weight, blood pressure, and blood glucose monitoring- and answering questions- more than anything else. Because we have more risk factors, we are slightly concerned about the lack of continuity in our care. Additionally, we will be followed by our OB, but will also be followed by the high-risk group and consult with the hematology group as well. This means that we have to become experts on the care that we need so that everything happens when it is supposed to happen. Now, more than ever, I am so thankful that my husband is used to navigating the (sometimes complicated) world of academic medicine. I guess it is also reassuring that he knows and/or has worked with many of the doctors who are involved in our care:)

Today's visit was very status quo- we loved the doctor we saw (we are big on being able to laugh with our doctor and not take ourselves too seriously). We also had another ultrasound- our doc tried to use an external monitor to hear the heartbeat, but we are a touch too early to do that. So we got an ultrasound:) We are telling John's sister (who is up visiting from Mississippi) tonight, and are excited to share our latest photo! John and I are both looking forward to telling his grandparents next weekend.

Thursday, April 15, 2010 (11 weeks, 5 days): Somehow, I missed posting a little ditty last week. But that's okay, because today, I give you a picture:

This was taken on Tuesday. At that time, the baby was measuring a few days "big." For those who are not familiar with ultrasound pictures, this picture shows (L to R) the forehead, nose, upper and lower jaw, belly, leg (bent into fetal position, so you can see both the hip and knee joints bending), and a squiggle on the end that is the umbilical cord. You can also see the spine. And yes, all babies have a disproportionately large head/forehead at this stage:) Baby's heart rate was 170 beats/minute.

Baby's first naked picture! Heehee!

I am feeling a lot better and have not taken my nausea medication for a few days. I did throw up this morning, but I think that was because our milk was expired- not morning sickness. I officially cannot comfortably fit into my jeans (I can squish in if I really try, but it's really hard not breathing for long periods of time...). I am craving meat. Lots and lots of meat. And cheese. And cucumbers, tomatoes, pineapple, pears, onions (heartburn!), chocolate, Craisins, hamburgers, Thai, and food from one of our local restaurants (The Warwick.) And pizza, but I craved that pre-pregnancy, so I don't think it counts.

We are waiting on the results of some tests, but as long as those come back okay, I think we will be telling the Interwebs the news! Be excited- we are:)

Thursday, April 22, 2010 (12 weeks, 5 days): So, we officially got the results of our testing today, and everything looks great! Thank God. Also, I have been off the nausea medication since last week and have felt great! I am sleeping better (not super yet, but that is partially because Seven is sleeping in our room since she is not supposed to be alone overnight- did I mention she picked out her spay stitches last week? Yeah.) I like sleep. A lot.

I am looking forward to coloring my hair this weekend as my "end of first trimester" celebration. I know that there are mixed feelings about that issue, but according to everything I can find in the literature- and according to the professional opinion of my doctor- it is unlikely that coloring your hair can actually harm a baby, and if it did, it would only be in the early parts of pregnancy when the nervous system was forming.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010 (13 weeks, 4 days/"3 months along"): We told the world (or, at least the blogosphere/facebook) last week, and it's been great:) I am feeling good, and my little bump is getting bigger. I decided this weekly journal is ready to take flight in the interwebs. So kudos to you if you made it all the way through. Hope I didn't disgust or offend. Check back for more updates- we have another OB visit on Monday and plan to take Abigail along to surprise her (and tell Anna later that day:)

So here it is.

2010-04-23T20:50:00.000-04:00

My big news:

There will be an addition to our family, due to arrive on Halloween.

We basically feel like this:

Shhhh... we haven't told the kids yet!

Mark the date! Or something.

2010-04-15T14:54:00.000-04:00

Next week*, a big announcement is coming to this blog! Keep watching!

*It might be the week after. But I think it will be next week.

Foster Care and Adoption

2009-11-14T10:44:00.004-05:00

Continuing my random adoption-related thoughts in honor of National Adoption Month:

I (obviously) feel strongly about international adoption, especially from undeveloped nations such as Ethiopia. But I also feel strongly that, especially given my religious convictions, I should not stop caring for my family and neighbors in order to care for international orphans. It should not be "one or the other" but rather both.

Thinking about this and considering the role that my family and I should play in caring for family/friends/neighbors, especially those who are orphans or wards of the state or other similar situations that result in children who are unable to be parented by their birth parents, I have come to a few conclusions.

1. My role is to love and serve people through a variety of situations. This may include permanently bringing a child into my home through adoption, temporarily bringing a child into my home through foster care, or supporting children in other ways through mentorship and meaningful relationships.

2. I feel a more urgent need meet the needs of close family, if such a situation arose, and kinship foster/adoption is some thing to which both John and I are very open. There currently is a situation where such a need might arise within our family, and we have actually started discussing what role we would play. We concluded that if the need arose, we would approach a kinship foster/adoption situation and embrace it wholeheartedly. We hope the need does not arise, though, and hope that the situation within our family can be worked out to support both the parent and the child.

3. John and I are uniquely qualified to care for children with medical needs; neither of us have a lot of exposure to pediatric medicine, but certainly it is something that we could learn. My heart strings are tugged by the little ones who come into the hospital as victims of domestic violence or neglect and as a result need foster families that have enough of a background in medicine to meet their needs at discharge. This usually also involves a significant time commitment that we are unable to make right now, so this is something that may be in our future, but not our immediate future.

Have you thought about your role? What do you think?

Christmas for Orphans

2009-11-11T19:17:00.004-05:00

Why so many girls?

2009-11-06T18:35:00.000-05:00

So, like I said, I am writing up some thoughts about adoption and our culture, in honor of National Adoption Month. I was just checking out the FBI. I love the pages of "forever families" as well as reviewing who is where in the process. I love that right now, there are more families than ever before who are open to sibling groups, and some who are open to older children. Love that!

But I am looking at the wait list and wondering why so many are requesting girls. I am not saying this is bad or wrong, just wondering why? I can understand the desire for a child in a specific age range, and I know some people request a specific gender because they already have children at home and want the same gender or opposite gender or something. But for people who are adopting for the first time, why choose a girl?

This really has me thinking, because we know that across the board, adoptive parents want to adopt healthy girls, as young as possible. Why is that? I have read that some parents think girls are easier to raise, or that they believe girls are less likely to have health or attachment/bonding issues. I don't think that this is actually true (I don't know what the statistics say, but overall, I don't think the data available supports this- especially on the "easier to raise" category.)

What do you think?

Personally, if I ever adopt again, I hope that we will be able to adopt brothers. Little boys to rile each other up and play in the dirt and be rough and tumble and into dirt and grubs and all sorts of things like that. Plus, John wants a tyke who is interested in sports (which, parenting the girliest girls ever, our girls are NOT cutting it...)

Pro Life= Pro Adoption?

2009-11-05T21:04:00.001-05:00

I will be honest: I have never met a person who was pro-life that was NOT pro-adoption.

Honestly, I believe the best place for a child is with their birthfamily. However, I also acknowledge that there are circumstances that make it impossible for a birthfamily to parent. Those reasons are many and varied, and not something that I wish to discuss in this post. But I do want to take a moment in this month that recognizes adoption and point out that I truly feel that the ideal situation for children is to be parented by their birth parents or through a kinship adoption.

That said, I don't understand how one could be pro-life without being pro-adoption. The idea of the pro-lifers is that they advocate for the innocents who have no voice and no other advocate. However, that advocacy does not stop when the innocent is born! No, instead, pro-lifers must continue to advocate for programs and interventions that assist birthparents in providing a quality of life to their child or that assist agencies in placing a relinquished child with a permanent, loving adoptive family. Without continuing to advocate for that child, a pro-lifer turns into an "anti-legal abortion" rather than a "pro-lifer." Proponents of the choice of life must continue to promote a quality of life for that child throughout it's life.

Pro Choice= Pro Adoption?

2009-11-04T20:54:00.000-05:00

In honor of National Adoption Month, I am writing up a few thoughts about adoption and how it fits into the modern culture of the US and the world.

In my opinion, I think if you are pro-choice, you should also be pro-adoption. Why?

Proponents of legal abortion argue that a birthmother should have options available for her when she decides that she is unwilling or unable to parent a child. They argue that abortion is the option that should be available to her. (Of course, they also argue medical necessity, and I am not going to touch that one at this point, but maybe some time...)

In the same vein, if a birthmother is looking for options when she is unwilling or unable to parent her child, adoption must be available to her. Not only because some people do not know or choose not to approach their pregnancies until after they are past the time frame when an abortion is available to them, but also because if pro-choicers are really all about the ability to choose when one becomes a parent, then they should also support the right of the birthmother to choose to no longer be a parent (through relinquishment.) If pro-choicers are truly looking to promote the right of the woman to make choices that she feels are in her best interest without regard for anyone else, then certainly, they must support a system where birthmothers are given the option of choosing to do what is solely in their best interest... an option that is not available to them if they are parenting.

This may seem flippant, and I hope you do not take it that way. I have the utmost respect for birthmothers who choose adoption when they are unable to parent. I mean no disrespect to any person who has been involved in the adoption triad. However, I am trying to really understand the viewpoint of "pro-choice" proponents, and in my attempts to do so, I simply cannot understand how someone can be pro-choice without being pro-adoption.

What do you think?

National Adoption Month!

2009-11-03T20:50:00.003-05:00

November is National Adoption Month and I am going purple for adoption!

November is the month set aside to raise awareness of the adoption of children and youth from foster care. This year's theme is "you don't have to be perfect to be the perfect family."

Boy, isn't that the truth. If I had to be perfect in order to adopt, the Good Lord knows I never would have been able to bring Anna home. But thankfully, perfection is not required. And our little family is so perfect together. And I am so thankful (another good November theme:)

Pangs

2009-10-21T21:52:00.003-04:00

Sometimes, in the course of reading a blog or getting an email from an adoptive family, I get that pang. The uncomfortable but familiar twinge deep inside my chest that was so frequent during my own journey to adoption. I thought, at the time, that the pang was one of longing for my child, and it was. I thought that surely that pang would go away once Anna was home.

It didn't.

There are children out there who I long for- children who I love. I don't know them, and I may never know them. But I love them as deeply as a mother's heart knows how to love. I hope that one day I will be able to hold them in my arms.

And if I can't, I hope another mother will.

(Note, this does not mean that John and I are adopting, pregnant, or adding to our family in any way at this point in time. At this time, we are not sure how we will grow our family.)

(Note to my note: I really would like to add to our family in the canine department. I know there is a dog out there who needs to come live in our house and run around with my children and answer to the name Albus Dumbledore. I know it. But my guess is that John will not allow us to have a canine addition any time soon. In fact, he is much more open to human additions than canine additions. But Abigail said she would get me a dog for Christmas, so I am holding out hope.)

Check it out...

2009-10-01T23:00:00.002-04:00

The new FBI.

I know. It's rocksome in ways you never imagined.

Cute stuff for cool peeps.

2009-09-21T22:39:00.005-04:00

How cute is that boy? Seriously? And it's not just his Ethiopian good looks, either! The boy's got Style. With a capital "S."

And now, his momma, Jennifer, is offering that style to you, too via her etsy shop.

Clothing and jewelry for the whole family. (Can't wait for the scrub shirt she is making me:)

Jennifer is a momma with true style. Her pieces aren't just designed to bring cute to a whole new level. Jennifer's goal is to sell enough shirts to buy a goat to benefit the orphans in Ethiopia. Beyond that, she hopes to sell enough items to off-set the cost of a humanitarian trip to Ethiopia later this year. You can read even more about her "150 shirt challenge" here.

I had the pleasure of meeting Jennifer, her husband, Jody, and their son, Abey while we were in Ethiopia. Watching Jennifer become a mother- hearing the passion in her voice and seeing the light in her eyes- was a beautiful process. Being a part of the process that turned her deep love for her son into a deep passion to care for the orphans of Ethiopia was a true inspiration. Please consider supporting her efforts by doing a bit of shopping.

I promise, you will look- and feel- better for it.

Trend-Setter

2009-09-09T20:26:00.001-04:00

I may have been the first, but I know I am not the last.

Check out how popular the name "Sparrow" is becoming:)

92

2009-08-25T10:11:00.002-04:00

The 2008-2009 court season is over in Ethiopia.

The FBI has record of 92 families who passed court in the past year. 105 children who were (or will shortly be) placed with families. Even more Gladney families and more children that weren't tracked by the FBI.

This warms my heart.

The worldwide problem of children without families is not going to be solved by 92 Gladney families. Placing 105 children into US homes does not make life easier for the other millions around the world. There is no easy solution to finding the love, stability, and families these children deserve.

But this is a start. And I am proud to have been a part of it. Even in this small way.

Better than an actual post? Possibly.

2009-07-23T22:05:00.009-04:00

It's hard to believe these pictures were taken almost 3 months ago. Even more difficult to believe that we have been home for 10 months as of tomorrow. I cannot even believe how much Anna has grown and changed- not just physically- since she's been home. It's amazing.

Camp

2009-06-15T19:48:00.003-04:00

Is anyone thinking of going to Ethiopian heritage and culture camp? Has anyone been there?

We are out for BU '09 as my request for time off was denied (boo!)*

But we do want to connect with some more Ethio families, and I just wanted some feedback from anyone who will or has attended.

*We will be in Chicago the last weekend in June- the 25th to the 30th-ish if anyone wants to play! Email or FB me! yellow_grace at yahoo dot com

Changes, Again

2009-06-09T23:03:00.003-04:00

I made some more changes to the list.

My sister had pointed out that with nearly 100 forever families on the page, it was getting a bit crowded! So I went ahead and separated the forever families page by court seasons.

What do you think?

Because I am a mother.

2009-05-11T20:12:00.003-04:00

Some of you may know coffeemom. She is a woman who inspires me to have a deeper faith in- a deeper appreciation of- a deeper love for God and those around me. She has been an encouragement to me, probably more often than she knows because I don't always take the time to tell her that. While I have never met her in "real life," in many ways, I aspire to be like her. She is sincere, humble, passionate, broken, and desperately seeking the One who makes all things right.

She is longing for her daughter right now.

Bureaucracy is probably the hardest part of adoption- especially international adoption. And right now, Michele, Tom, their children already home, and their daughter who awaits them in Ethiopia are victims of bureaucracy. They are stuck in a series of "pass the buck" communications within the US government. They want their daughter home. And they are being told that she cannot come home, because of policies and procedures that aren't even yet established. You can read more about their struggle here.

I am one fairly insignificant person. I am not rich, famous, or politically powerful. I don't know any people who are; I have no idea what I can do to help bring Marta home. But I do know the One who holds this whole situation in his hands, the One who cares more about the hearts of Michele, Tom, and Marta than anyone could imagine. I know the One who designed us to be in families- the one who places the orphan into a family, the One who adopted us into His family. And I know that He is working out this whole scenario to bring Him glory.

Our finite minds may not understand this- the suffering that this family is going through- the pain of separation of parents and child, the fears that Marta has, the un-quenched longings. We cannot understand how this can be part of God's plan, and yet we know that He will work out all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. That is what He promises to do.

So let's call out to the One- the grand designer of this family, this unique process of coming to be a family through adoption. While our hands are tied and our voices weak, let's bring our hearts to the One whose strength is immeasurable and whose word is Truth. Instead of sitting and listening to people who make empty promises- or no promises at all, let's run to the One who is the fulfillment of every promise of love and eternal life.

Will you join me and many others around this world in praying for Michele, Tom, and Marta on Tuesday, May 12 from 8-8:30pm EST? Of course, you can feel free to pray whenever you wish as well- and certainly, if you know someone or have any connection, I know Michele and her family would appreciate you advocating for them. But if you are like me, just one fairly insignificant person without any way of helping, will you please give your time and commit to praying for this family? Prayer works.

"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

Hebrews 4:16

Presentation

2009-03-31T21:19:00.003-04:00

So, my presentation for the International Fair is on Thursday. I am looking for ideas. Here's what I have so far:

coffee beans (American and Ethiopian, seriously- they look different!) and the legend of how coffee was discovered
Pictures of various places in Ethiopia
Pictures of native Ethiopians in traditional (and non-traditional) garb
Pictures of coffee ceremony and a little explanation of roasting the beans, popcorn, etc.
A few words/phrases in Amharic
CD of Ethiopian music playing
A few Ethiopian story books
Some banana-leaf artwork to be displayed
Some jewelry to be displayed
The girls and I will be wearing traditional Ethiopian garb
Pictures of injera and other foods
Map of Africa with Ethiopia marked on it
Drum, baskets, "Desta" doll and other handcrafts
Berbere in a bowl (to smell- and taste- if you dare!)

So, what else can I do to make this fun and informative? And yes, it has to be something easily accessible! This will be a presentation to kids (young elementary) and their families, so the age-range will be wide. Any little games we can play? Help me out!

Almost 2 and writing a letter...

2009-03-31T13:57:00.002-04:00

Anna will be 2 in a little over a week. I cannot believe that she has been home a full 6 months!

I have compiled a photo album for her birthmom and will be including a few pieces of artwork Anna has created as well as a letter from me (and one from Abigail) in the package I send.

I am kind of at a standstill in writing this letter; it is just so difficult to know what I should- or shouldn't- include. I mean, the photos speak for themselves. Anna is smiling, growing, well-loved. But if I was her birthmom, separated by thousands of miles and cultural differences, what would I want to know?

Sure, I would want to know that Anna is growing, and what she is doing developmentally. But what I would really want is to know if she is truly happy. How do I express that to a woman whose cultural differences may mean that happiness is much different than what I think it is?

And then there are the little things... do I call her "Anna" or "Misrak"? Do I mention that Anna will soon have a daddy? Do I talk about moving, and swimming lessons, and the scores of dogs that Anna chases after each times she sees them?

I don't know. I really want to reassure her birthmother's heart- a heart that is still so full of love for Anna. But how do I do that?

What do you think?

Help Needed: Passport "Stamp"

2009-03-10T11:35:00.002-04:00

This is a fun one!

I am hosting the "Ethiopia" booth at the elementary school's "International Fair." I will be displaying all sorts of stuff from Ethiopia, playing Ethiopian music, wearing the traditional garb I brought back with me, teaching a few Amharic words, etc. The kids get to go around to the different country booths and get their "passport" stamped as they learn about the different countries and cultures.

I need to have some sort of "stamp" to use in their passports. It could be a rubber/ink stamp or a sticker. It should be the shape of Ethiopia or something else that is representative of Ethiopia.

Any ideas?

(Also, feel free to share any ideas that will make my booth better!)

Thoughts on That List

2009-03-03T22:02:00.003-05:00

There are times when I worry I have created a monster.

No, not my human children, but my Internet love child. That little list.

Even though I am no longer in the process, that list has a hold on me. I smile widely each time I get an email of a new family to be added to the paperchase or wait list page. I go nuts when the boards lite up with news of referrals... what day, how old, what gender, and who might have pictures of your little one for you? When I get confirmation that someone is moving from the referral/court process page to the forever family page, my heart jumps. I am so happy to be the recorder of these life-shaping events. On the one hand, I am so proud of that list because it has such potential to create and spread joy.

But on the other hand, it also has potential to create sorrows. I look at that list, study it daily, and sometimes question if I have done the right thing. When I see families waiting- when I send check-in emails to see if I missed the news of their referral... when they wait for months and months to see their child's face, I am so sad for them. I know that wait- that longing. I know that it will ease, but never completely disappear, even once they are holding their child in their arms. I know that they will carry that desire- that yearning- for every child who is waiting to come home to their forever family, and that yearning will stay with them.

The worst is the referral/court process page. Long waits for court dates. Failures to pass. Months of watching your child grow up- of missing them, of wanting them, of loving them while they know so little of you and have no idea how deeply they are loved. I cannot imagine that pain. And to look at that list and think about those families who are waiting on a mere slip of paper... to know that it is just some tree pulp and ink that is separating them from their child... there aren't words for that. To know that this list is spreading the news of that heartache does make me question if this list is the right thing to do.

Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your journey by being the scribe of the steps in your process. I am honored and humbled. And I hope and pray for each family on that list that your children will soon be in your arms.

PP #2

2009-03-01T00:49:00.002-05:00

Last Saturday we had our second post-placement visit. I cannot believe we have been home nearly 6 months! Anna is such a different child... and so much has changed.

The visit went well. I didn't clean nearly as much as I did last time, so that helped take the stress off a bit. On the other hand, my older daughter looked like someone had beat her up (full story here)... I wasn't quite sure what kind of impression that made!

(BTW- I am so glad her injury happened at school and is documented as happening at school! Totally relieves any concerns of "are you abusing your kid?")

For a little update, here is Anna's big developmental milestones:

Age: almost 23 months

Language:
Speaks these words: Momma, Daddy, John, Abi, Sissy, Anna, Lily, GaGa, PePaw, Teta, MiMi, yes, no, mine, uh-uh. uh-oh, out, off, on, up, down, more, milk, cup, eat, go, coat, cheese, shoes, poop, pee, potty, animal sounds (moo, baaa, tweet, etc), please, thank you, Jesus, night-night, sleep, doggie, kitty, Ty, stop it, yay!, funny. Her receptive language is phenomenal and she can understand everything (we may have to start spelling around her soon!)

Physical:
Anna runs, jumps with both feet off the ground, climbs up stairs (would climb down, if I let her!), climbs up pretty much everything and is basically on the go all the time. She likes to throw things and can roll a ball back and forth. She can feed herself using a spoon/fork but is not yet ready to drink out of an open cup. She can scribble on paper and fingerpaint. She sleeps 10-11 hours at night and naps about 2 hours in the afternoon. She eats everything but loves carbs and cheese the best!

Developmental:
Anna understands relationships between objects and their shape/size (puzzles, hide-and-seek). She can point to all of her body parts. She has had a few successes on the potty- some where she "held it" until she was on the potty while others were just fortunate circumstances. She can follow 2 and 3 step commands (go into your room and get a pair of shoes.) She enjoys reading books, playing with water in the bathtub, and any/all physical activities. She understands rules and consequences and is responsive to time-outs. She is working on learning colors, shapes, letters, and manners.

Social:
Anna is well-liked in her preschool class, but she isn't as interested in the other kids as they are in her. She knows Momma, Daddy/John, Sissy/Abigail and understands that they are the special people in her life. She looks to them for her comfort and approval. She also has favorite teachers and does not cry anymore when she is dropped off/picked up at preschool. She is wary of strangers.

Personality:
Anna has a strong personality. She is very happy-go-lucky most of the time and is easily redirected. However, she can be very strong-willed and will engage in battles of will. She is becoming very independent. She loves shoes more than almost anything else but also loves animals and will follow the cat all around the house. She admires and emulates her big sister. She laughs a lot and has a very infectious laugh. She has a great sense of humor and is developing some subtleties in her humor that are uncommon at her age. She is not scared of much, but the vacuum remains intimidating.

I love my girl!

Green Card Advice

2009-02-03T22:34:00.003-05:00

1. Don't loose your newly-adopted child's green card. It will cause you stress.

2. If you loose it, be prepared to pay $370 to replace it. Search your entire house several times over to make sure it is actually gone. Balk at the fee (which includes $80 for biometrics... um, for your toddler...) and decide that maybe you don't actually have to replace it.

3. File for a social security number for your child as soon as you get their green card. If you need a SSN to file taxes, but have lost your child's green card, file for a temporary taxpayer ID number using the visa on their passport with the I-551 stamp.

4. Find out if you need the green card to file for readoption. You probably don't. File for readoption so that your child can become a citizen and you won't have to worry about her green card. This can probably be done without a lawyer.

5. Feel better once you realize you will, in fact, be able to file your taxes and take advantage of your adoption tax credit.

Keepin' up

2009-01-07T11:07:00.003-05:00

Just did some updating to the list. Added court dates, moved people from paperchase to wait list, etc.

It is a pretty big job to keep all the info on there up-to-date, and with everything I've been doing here in my "real life," I have been struggling to keep up with the constantly changing and evolving body of information associated with the list. Laura has been a great help, but I know that she is busy and will soon be adding another to the mix.

So, this is my invitation to you... please email me if you know that info on the FBI needs to be updated; include the updates/revisions that need to be made. Or, if you are interested in helping keep the list up in a more permanent fashion, let me know!

yellow_grace at yahoo dot com

I am working on a post about thoughts at the 3 month home mark (Christmas Eve for us:) But if I had to sum it up, I would say that we have officially entered the really fun stage of toddlerhood. I'm loving it!

Changes

2008-12-10T11:44:00.001-05:00

Okay. I got your feedback and I made some changes. I added a new column on the Wait List page and some info in the FYI section.

Let me know what you think... and check my work!

A Sensitive Topic

2008-12-02T13:34:00.003-05:00

The heartbreaking news that Ethiopia will be limiting single-mom adoptions left me speechless. It was not a surprise that a change was made in policy, but this particular change was not what I was expecting. Single parent adoption is, obviously, something I "believe in." The same way that I "believe in" transracial and transcultural adoption. The same way that I "believe in" not limiting adoption based on gender, religion, race, nationality, ethnicity, sexual orientation, physical disability, economic status or any other of those "non-discrimination" circumstances that we are legally and morally bound by in the US.

(And yes, I did list sexual orientation there- I didn't miss Becca's post- or the controversy surrounding it. I have lots of thoughts about this that I intend to share once my courses are over for the semester!)

Of course, I respect that the culture of Ethiopia- and their standards and expectations for their children- are different than the US. What option do we have but to accept that they believe single moms to be a "last resort" for their children? It is the way their culture is. They aren't American and they do not hold to the same values and morals (for instance, they also prohibit adoptions by homosexuals and single men based on their cultural norms/values.) It's heartbreaking for the women who are in the process and faced with these delays, but I also feel like there is not much else that can be said or done. It is what it is. I am so sorry for the women who are left waiting, but I am also so happy that the option of single mom adoption from Ethiopia still remains viable.

This is where I am about to (maybe, but I hope not) step on some toes. Most of my readers know that I keep up this little list. Since the list was designed to give Gladney families a picture of what the process/timeline is like for other Gladney-ites, I feel like I should somehow separate out or mark single moms on the list, since their timeline will, obviously, now be different than married couples. Should I make a "Couples Waiting" and "Singles Waiting" page? It is my understanding that once a referral is given, the process is still the same, so from referral on (and even in the paperchase stage) there is really no reason to separate out the singles and couples. At the same time, I don't want to be offensive or "discriminatory" towards singles. I just want to provide accurate, insightful information that is easy to find and access.

I'd really like some feedback on this! Thanks in advance!

Re-Adoption

2008-12-02T10:59:00.001-05:00

I am the only one who keeps calling the peeps in my county about how to do this re-adoption thing and keeps getting the run-around?

Seriously, you would think they have never heard of an IR-4 visa. Ugh. I can't deal with this until after finals.

(This makes me feel like both a bad mom and a lazy mom. But finals are next week. So really, what's another week and half of delays? If I get it done within the first 3 months home, I should be good, right?)

Prayers for Travis

2008-11-12T19:53:00.002-05:00

As most Gladney Ethiopia Program families know, Travis Norwood, one of the in-country reps for Gladney, has been having some serious battles with his health. I thank God for the opportunity he had to be in the US and get the great care that the US health care system offers.

Please keep the Norwood family in your prayers during his continued therapy and recovery time. Please also pray for the rest of the staff in Ethiopia who are carrying the weight of the Norwood's work while they are here in the US.

If you would like to participate in a group prayer time, on Sunday, November 16 from 7:30-8:00pm EST, join with others across the nation as we pray for Travis, his family, the doctors treating him, the in country staff who know him so well and are acting in his absence in Ethiopia and all of those who have been or who are touched by Travis's presence in their lives...

Our children and each of us are better for having him work with Gladney.

You, too, could be a winner!

2008-11-08T22:17:00.003-05:00

This little guy is.

So is this little girlie.

This little girl soon will be.

If you are home with a little one that spent time in the older baby/toddler room at the Gladney Care Center anytime from May-September, 2008.... you too could be a winner!

Just email me at yellow_grace at yahoo dot com to claim your fabulous prize*!

* Fabulous prize is an email from me discussing the intricacies of Anna stool pattern. Seriously, wondering if anyone else has any ideas?

Motherletter

2008-11-08T14:32:00.002-05:00

I wrote a Motherletter.

"And then I see my fair-skinned, blue-eyed 6 year old protectively hug her molasses-skinned, midnight-eyed sister in a crowd of children who look at them with questioning eyes. And I know there is so little that I really need to teach them. Because God has given them the gift of each other. And they will teach each other more than I ever could."

Will you write one, too?

So Glad

2008-11-08T12:57:00.001-05:00

It's over.

Anna was a total doll the first have of the post-placement visit, and a total brat the second half. Someone really needed a nap.

But at least my house was clean:)

Alien

2008-11-04T13:36:00.005-05:00

It appears we have an alien in permanent residence here at our house.

YIKES!

If you don't get my joke, I'm just trying to say that Anna got her permanent resident alien card from USCIS.

Now I just need to get crackin' on that re-adoption stuff. You know, once I make sure I am not going to fail out of my final semester of college.

More Halloween pictures are up here.

Post

2008-11-02T19:24:00.001-05:00

So, on Saturday, we have our first post-placement visit.

Hmm.

What kinds of questions should I be preparing for? What will she want to know or see?

BU '09 (Clarification)

2008-10-30T18:02:00.003-04:00

The Blog Union 2009 is in Chicago. This is the second annual blog union- a follow up to the event in LA in August, 2008. This is for Ethiopian adoptive families only.

The Blog Re-Union 2009 is in Tulsa. This is for Guatemalan and Ethiopian adoptive families.

BU '09 (Chicago!)

2008-10-29T13:05:00.002-04:00

So, BU '09 is in Chicago this year! Woot! I love my hometown! (let me rephrase that- I love to visit my hometown!) August 6-9, 2009. We will so be there- as might the infamous Doctor John, my mom, and my sister! Hope to see all the Ethiopian adoptive families there!

Click here to check out
The Ethiopian Blog Union!

International Adoption Social Worker Appreciation Day?

2008-10-23T22:09:00.003-04:00

As many of you know, November is National Adoption Month. And March is Social Worker Appreciation Month. But I am thinking that international adoption social workers are really special. They put up with a special brand of crazy that only comes with the wait of IA. They deserve their own day.

So, what if we pick a day in November to be International Adoption Social Worker Appreciation Day?

(IASWAD... I as wad? I a swad? Sounds funny when you say it out loud.)

I know having a great social worker made me feel better- even thought the process was anything but easy. I know so many of you are truly blessed by the kindness, patience, and endurance of your case worker. And while I am most familiar with Gladney's team, I am know that this is true across all agencies.

So, what do you think? Should we do it? Anyone want to name a date?

So Thankful...

2008-10-22T12:56:00.003-04:00

I looked back at my archives today, and watched the movie of Abigail seeing her sister for the first time.

Then I re-read my referral story.

And then one of my all-time favorite posts.

I am so thankful that I have a record of this process- not only to give me some perspective if (when) I do this adoption thing again, but also to have it to share with Anna. To show her that for 9 months, my whole life pretty much revolved around meeting her. To show her how much she was loved, how much she was wanted, how much she was anticipated, even before I saw her face. One day, that will mean a lot to her.

And I am so thankful for the wonderful adoption community I have met during this process- and all the support I received along the way.

Now I am going to try to post some pictures over on Gracelings.

Promises

2008-10-20T11:27:00.004-04:00

For those who wait:

When God made his promise to Abraham, since there was no one greater for him to swear by, he swore by himself, saying, "I will surely bless you and give you many descendants." And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised.

Heb. 6:13-15

Be encouraged as you wait today. I am sorry if I hurt or offended anyone with my previous post- believe me, I know how terribly difficult it can be to wait during this process- I cannot imagine how difficult it is to wait once you have seen your child's face.

T.I.E. (Proceed with Caution)

2008-10-16T08:59:00.004-04:00

WARNING!

The following is a rant, pure and simple. I will probably offend you, and if you think that is possible, don't read this, because I don't really want to offend you. I just want to tell it like it is, so to speak, and weigh in on some of the present issues in Ethiopian adoption. So, basically, read at your own risk.

Adoption- especially international adoption- is not for sissies. And it is really not for people who choose to not inform themselves about the process (and the potential for changes in the process) before hand. And it is super not for people who choose to believe that when a government changes it's policies, it is specifically directed at the individual.

I am really frustrated right now... there have been some policy changes (not surprisingly) during the court recess in Ethiopia. And now a lot of families are finding that their cases will be delayed. For some of them, they will be delayed again... months of delays, months of missing those milestones, months of empty arms.

I am so sad for these families- I cannot imagine how horrible this feels, and I am praying for you all. I had the pleasure of meeting several of your babies, and I cannot imagine anything more wonderful that you being united with your precious ones. I am so sorry, and I wish there was more that I could do.

But, to you, the one who incessantly complains- to you I say... GROW UP! This is not about you. This is not about Gladney (and in fact, Gladney is awesome!) This is about a policy change, and only a policy change.

I know it sucks to not be with your child... I know you have to re-adjust your expectations. But here is the thing- your words make it obvious that you have a lot of growing up to do before you can teach your child how to properly behave in discouraging and disappointing circumstances, because you need to learn it first. And maybe this is God's way of teaching you a few lessons.

If you stopped complaining about how you never get your way, maybe you could learn a thing or two about those who truly don't have hope. If you stopped focusing on what you want and when you are going to get your wants fulfilled, maybe you can learn about meeting the needs of others (this is what being a parent is about, especially when your kids are young.) And if you stop complaining about your situation (which, in the grand scheme of things, is not that bad) and started looking at the truly horrible things that are happening in this world, maybe you would be able to put this situation into perspective, and move forward into a place that is less about you and more about benefiting those around you (ahem, again, this is the crux of parenting- it's NEVER about YOU!)

My sister and I were g-chatting about this issue yesterday, and of course, the question she asked is "Why?" Why the policy changes? Why the lack of notification? Why the last-minute scramble now on the part of Gladney?

Why? Because... This Is Ethiopia. (T.I.E.) This is the way it goes. And the only thing we can do is accept it, or move on. Adopting from Ethiopia is a choice- it is not forced on you. And you can either accept that things may change from what you anticipate, or you can move on.

I know this is easy for me to say, sitting on the "completed" side of the adoption cycle, but more than anything, this is a good lesson to learn about life. Because, really, this is life. And there are always situations that are beyond your control- situations that disappoint and hurt and frustrate and anger you. And you can either accept that those situations exist and deal with them, or you can choose to move on in your life to a place where you don't deal with those situations- you can remove yourself from them.

Make the choice. And then deal with it.

And for goodness sake, stop complaining all the time!

FAQ: Daily Life and Travel Planning

2008-10-07T15:04:00.006-04:00

How much money did you spend while there?

I took $3000 but spent just less than $2000. I did not buy as many souvenirs as I wanted to buy, but probably spent about $200-300 on "gifts" for my girls and others. We also spent about $75 total at the salon (one massage and 2 separate hair dos for my mom and Abigail plus tips). Our biggest expenses were the guest house and the driver, which were both quite reasonable. Group meals ran between $60-100 ETB ($6-10 USD) per adult. We got double macchiatos daily from Kaldi's at $8.33 ETB ($0.83 USD).

How much eating did you do???? (I know this sounds like a dumb question but it just popped up in my head)

I may be the only person who ever went to Ethiopia and gained weight. I loved the food and ate until I was full at every meal. Plus, with a 6 year old and a toddler, we ate lots of snacks! We were not sick, and like I said, I really liked the food in general (don't order mac-n-cheese unless you like goat cheese, though!)

Was there a coffee ceremony or greeting-day ceremony?

On embassy day, we met at the Gladney Care Center (baby house) for a coffee ceremony and then toured the facilities. Normally, Waguyu would also prepare a coffee ceremony for us, but he had many family members visiting from all over Europe, so he was busy- and WE were busy!

Because your travel group will all arrive at different times and from different airlines, etc, the first (and in our case) and only time you might see some of your group is on embassy day. All of the events/meals are optional (except the embassy:) so plan on going at your own pace and doing the things that are right for your family. I do highly recommend that you take the time to go to the orphanages. You can take your children with you to the orphanages, and it is well worth the experience.

Did anyone tape or photograph the first time you laid eyes/arms on Anna?

We had the assistance of Phillip (Gladney volunteer) as well as M&R to take videos and pictures of our "placement." it was really great to have the 2 views- as you probably saw in the Ethiopia Montages.

Did you have pre-planned questions for Anna's birthmom or did you just go with the flow?

Yes, I had a few questions I knew I wanted to ask. But I also knew I would go with the flow. The social worker who was there to act as a facilitator and interpreter prodded Anna's b-mom to tell the story of how Anna "came to be."

Some of the "must ask" questions were:

Family Medical History
Any medical history for Anna during the year she was with you? Did she receive any medical care or medications?
Any complications during pregnancy or labor?
Why did you choose the name Misrak?
What would you like the baby to know about you?
Would you like to exchange letters/photos through Gladney as the baby grows?
What would you like to know about me and my family?
What can you tell me about the baby's father?
Who does the baby look like?

Some other questions I also asked were:

What was your favorite subject as a child?
What was your favorite activity (sports, music, art, etc...)?
What was your family like? Do you have brothers or sisters?
What was your favorite childhood memory?
What would you like the baby to call you (right now we call you her first mom)?
What would you like the baby to be/do when she grows up?

I also shared quite a bit about our family, including what I plan for the girls as they grow (including that both girls will have the chance to go to University and will be raised in the church.) When Anna's b-mom learned that both my sister and I are nurses, she said that is what Anna should be when she grows up:)

I was also privileged to get pictures and video of Anna and her b-mom walking outdoors together, playing, and singing/dancing together. As much as it was difficult to let Anna go to her b-mom, it was also so easy- I knew that this was probably the only opportunity I would have to get pictures of them together, and for Anna's sake, I wanted some that were natural and relaxed, so that she could see how beautiful her b-mom is.

The birthmom meeting was difficult and wonderful, and if you have the chance, I recommend that you take the opportunity to meet. I think Anna's b-mom also appreciated meeting Abigail and my mom. I gave her a book with pictures of our family, and explained who each person was, and I think it made her really happy to know that so many people already loved and wanted Anna.

What type of carrier/sling would you recommend?

I took 2 carries with me which I wrote about here. I like them both, and used them both. I used the UBW when we went to the orphanages. It was a long day, and that was far more comfortable getting in and out of the car than the HH would have been. Since we did not take a stroller (and would not have had enough hands to manage a stroller in the airport anyway) I used my HH while we were grabbing our luggage. It is easier to put on while still on the airplane (the UBW takes a while- and space! to get it on right) and it was helpful to not have to carry the baby while trying to claim our luggage:)

If I could only take one, I would have taken the HH. It adjusts easily, and while I would not want to wear it for an all-day trip, I could have easily shared the duties with my mom if we only had the HH.

FAQ: Care Centers/Orphanages

2008-10-06T11:59:00.009-04:00

Before I respond to your questions about the care centers and orphanages, I want to take a minute to clarify the difference between the two, especially since I don't know who all is reading this!

Did you know that in the US, we do not have any orphanage, and we haven't had them for decades? American children, for better or worse, are in the foster care system or placed into group homes.

In Ethiopia, there are orphanages. There are private orphanages, and government run/sponsored orphanages. I was able to visit 3 government run orphanages during my trip: Kolfe (for boys age 12+ years), Kechene (for boys and girls 0-12 years and older girls age 12+ years), and Kebebe (for boys and girls age 0-12 years.)

Try to imagine what these orphanages are like. Have you ever visited a developing nation? I never had, and because of that, I really had no frame of reference for what to expect at the orphanages.

The facilities that we visited were all built in the 1960s or before. Updates and renovations all seem to be sponsored by NGOs or individuals, so as you can imagine, the facilities are not always "modern." (Ryan explained that one of the orphanages only got indoor plumbing within the last few years- and only because a NGO sponsored the renovations.) Kolfe is by far the most "behind" in terms of facilities, and Gladney does use a portion (I have no idea what portion) of the humanitarian aid and donations to help better the facilities and education of the boys at this orphanage. Gladney also works with the other government-run orphanages to try to meet some of the needs there.

The orphanages are not staffed as you would expect, given the US standards for caregiver-child ratios in day cares and group homes. At Kebebe, the "baby room" had one adult and one older girl (maybe age 10?) to care for about 20+ babies and toddlers. For the older children, I saw 1 or 2 caregivers for about 50 kids. These employees are also responsible for cleaning the children's rooms and common areas, as far as I can tell. Thankfully, the "older" kids tend to look out for the "younger" kids (ie- the 7 year olds take care of the 3 year olds.) Not at all what I expected, but this is the way things are in Ethiopia. This is their "normal."

Basically, the government provides food, some clothes, and a few employees for these orphanages... that's not much when you consider that these orphanages are supporting about 125+ children, each. Every penny of aid supplied to these orphanages is needed. Every penny.

Now, the Gladney Care Centers are different. For most of us, our children come to the Gladney care centers from an orphanage, or perhaps they are relinquished, processed through a private orphanage, and sent directly to the care center. I am not sure if some of the older children are placed directly from the orphanages, but I believe all the kids spend time at the care center before placement.

If I had to make a comparison, I would say that the Gladney Care Centers are similar to a 24 hour day care. Now, I don't mean a day care by US standards, but the care centers are very nice by Ethiopian standards. They are in a very nice neighborhood, and the homes are nice and large by Ethiopian standards. The care centers are kept clean, and the kids have clean clothes and nutritious foods.

Now, you have to keep in mind that it would be unfair to compare these care centers to similar US centers. Ethiopia simply does not have the same resources as the US, and they don't have access to the same supplies. Similarly, there are vast differences in culture when it comes to raising, teaching, and nurturing children. We cannot expect that the care centers will be like the US when they are in Ethiopia and run by Ethiopians.

Additionally, some of the things you would expect in a US center are simply not logical in an Ethiopian care center. For instance, toys that require electricity or batteries are just not going to work well or last long in Ethiopia- at least not in the way they were intended. Additionally, the care centers are constantly fighting against germs- viruses, bacteria, fungi, protozoa, etc. In the US, we worry about colds or maybe the flu spreading among the kids in a day care; in Ethiopia, they not only worry about colds, the flu, pneumonia, and such, but they also have to worry about diseases like giardia, ringworm, and tapeworms. So the equipment and toys in the Ethiopian care centers need to be very easy to clean and hold up well to frequent cleanings.

Keeping that in mind, I think the care centers are very nice by Ethiopian standards. The employees were constantly cleaning... well, everything! The caregivers were interacting with the kids, and the primary caregiver for each child knew exactly where that child was developmentally, as well as how to make them laugh within seconds:)

Now for some specific questions:

What was the orphanage like?

I have described the actual orphanage and care center facilities above. But I don't think that is what this question is about... The orphanages were overwhelming. There were so many sweet children, and all I could think was "who will be their mommy? Who will tuck them in tonight? Who will tell them what they were like as babies, and when they got their first tooth, and when they started walking, and what their first word was? Who will love them?" For me, it was one of the saddest parts of the trip- especially for the Kebebe and Kechene orphanages, where kids younger than Abigail were looking after toddlers.

The care centers were a totally different experience. In a way, they were more chaotic because there were so many more people- especially adults- trying to talk to you. But it was a more hopeful experience for me, because I knew who would be the mommies and daddies for these babies. I knew that each and every one of them was going to be matched or had been matched to a family who desperately wanted and loved them. I guess I "worried" less about them- and I knew that until their mommies and daddies could come get them, they were being loved and cared for by some wonderful women.

Did they have enough toys?

Honestly, I don't think I saw any toys at the orphanages. I am not sure if they didn't have any, or if I didn't see them, or if they were in such bad shape that I didn't recognize them as toys.

At the GCC, the kids in the baby rooms had a few small toys that floated around the room to whoever was awake. In the toddler room, there were a few toys out when I arrived. I came at a non-play time, so I don't know if there were more toys or what. But honestly, most of the toddlers weren't interested in toys so much as just chasing each other and playing with the caregivers, Abigail, and I.

If you are interested in giving toys to either the orphanages or GCC (I am sure they could be used at both places) I would check with Gladney first. I am not sure if they have a list of specific needs or if the orphanages have restrictions on what you are allowed to give the kids. At any rate, keep in mind that most of the older kids speak very little English, and read even less English,so elaborate books and games would probably not be very popular.

As I said above, keeping things clean and having toys that are easy to clean and can hold up are very important. I think that for older babies/toddlers, some good toys would be plastic blocks, plastic balls, "Little People" type toys/cars/planes/people and plastic dolls. I would avoid those "soft and cuddly" toys because they are so hard to clean and do not hold up well. Additionally, the best kinds of books would be picture board books (the caregivers don't read a lot of English, in general.) The toddler room might also benefit from a small "Step 2" type table and chairs or a small slide.

Were the kids able to play a lot of the time or were they in their cribs a lot?

At the orphanages, the kids that were not in school pretty much seemed to run around and "play" as they wished. I didn't personally observe any organized play (games, art or whatnot) but that is not necessarily representative of what happens when the Americans are not there... Most of the babies were in their cribs, and the older babies/toddlers were running around in the baby room. I will be honest- it was a bit chaotic!

At the GCC, the babies pretty much seem to stay in their cribs unless they are being held by a caregiver. Within their crib, they can play with toys, sit up with a Boppy pillow, etc. The older babies are pretty active within their cribs, and learn to pull themselves up, grab toys from the caregivers, and in at least one case, terrorize their neighbors:) The older babies who are working on walking skills do spend one-on-one time on the floor with the caregivers, but the older baby area is not made for playing on the floor, so once the older babies can walk independently, they are moved to the toddler room (as space allows.)

In the toddler room, the children have their own cribs, and have toys inside their cribs. They are able to get out of their cribs to play and run around. I think the care givers avoid letting them all out of their cribs at the same time to avoid having too many collisions between those "toddling" toddlers:) But the kids in the toddler room were all very familiar with what to do when their feet hit the floor! And man, some of them were quite fast!

Were there any obvious needs?

This is a difficult question. At the orphanages, there were lots of obvious needs- more than I could ever list here. The needs were varied- from the need of a physical therapist for one of the children, the need for a VP shunt for another child to correct his poor vision caused by excess fluid in the brain, to the need for more caregivers, food, and clothes. There were a lot of "obvious needs" to me.... but at the same time, the needs were pretty overwhelming. I don't think any of us are prepared to meet the "needs" that an entire orphanage has.

At the GCC, I would not say there were any obvious "needs" but then, I also think my response is being formed based on my ideas of what "needs" are. The children are in safe, comfortable homes. They have enough caregivers, food, clothes, diapers, etc. They don't have as much "stuff" (ie- toys) as American children, but they were clearly having fun and enjoying themselves, so I wouldn't call that a "need." The children were kind, engaging, and responsive (at least to their caregivers). They were, by and far, developmentally appropriate, and had evidence of growing and developing. Therefore, I would say that their "needs" were more than met.

At the same time, there were several things that could enhance their lives, but if I had to make the choice between giving to the GCC and the orphanages (and I am not trying to tell you what to do, just what I would do...) the orphanages have drastic needs. The GCC have "wants."

Does Gladney run the older kids' homes as well?

Gladney has a "baby house", an "older baby/toddler" house, and an "older children" (age 2+) house. The truth is that we all know older children are less likely to be adopted, and since the roll of the GCC is to provide a "daycare" setting for a child until they are placed for adoption, Gladney simply does not have as many older kids in their care. But the older kids are absolutely adorable! We got to spend some time with them and they are very sweet. I would say that in general, the older kids are much more shy.

Are the care centers well equipped, or would they still benefit greatly from donations/humanitarian need?

The GCCs are well-equipped, but only because of the continuous influx of humanitarian aid. The $200 of diapers, wipes, formula, clothes, etc. that are required of adoptive parents do, for the most part, stay at Gladney. But what you may not realize is that Gladney gives $1000 of your "fees" as a humanitarian aid donation to be used in Ethiopia. This money has been used towards different projects, such as refurbishing some of the facilities at Kolfe. All of the Ethiopian orphanages would benefit greatly from any donation made. Like I said, the GCCs are nice, and with the humanitarian aid as well as whatever budget Gladney allots them, they do well. But the orphanages are different. Every penny counts there. It's hard to explain until you see it. But once you see it, you will be left with the feeling that you wish you had done more.

Anna: The Stats

2008-10-03T09:31:00.003-04:00

Age: 18 months (in 5 days)

Height: 30.25 inches (50th percentile)

Weight: 18.5 lbs (-10th percentile)

Clothing size: 12-18 months

Shoe size: 3

Favorite game: chasing the cat/ playing peek-a-boo

Least favorite activity: Sleeping

Favorite song: The Wheels on the Bus/ The Ants go Marching

Favorite food: vanilla yogurt/ Gerber meat sticks

Least favorite food: Fresh peas/ milkshakes

Favorite word: Momma!

Special Skills/Abilities: Throwing tantrums, going excessive amounts of time without sleep, making everyone laugh with one grunt

Health and Development (or, measures and meanings)

2008-10-02T20:18:00.000-04:00

********* This post originally composed 10/1/08*********

Yesterday Anna had her first visit with the doctor. Man, she is tiny by US standards! (See a girls height and weight chart here.) She is 30.25 inches tall which puts her at the 50th percentile. After meeting her birthmother, she may just be a 50th percentile child in terms of height.

At only 8.4 kg (about 18.5 lbs) she is not even on the chart for weight. While the doctors all agree that she is healthy, developmentally appropriate, and well-attached, her weight will be watched closely. We are awaiting the results of her blood work and stool samples (I suspect worms, honestly) and we will go from there. Given that she is active, engaging, and eating pretty much everything in sight, we will just feed her nice fattening foods and see how she does!

Speaking of Anna's development, she now says 7 words, and babbles and sings in between words. She says:

Momma (that's me! This was her first word)

Moah ("more"- she can also make the sign for more when she wants to, but like most toddlers, it's only IF she wants to!)

Ab-bah (Abigail)

Ney (Amharic for "come"- she will say this and put her arms out to be picked up, or if her toy is too far away, she will point at it and say "ney!")

Hi! (she waves, too, when she feels like it, but never when you request it of her!)

Don (John)

Lee-Lee (Lily)

She also makes a grunting/gorilla sound when she sees the cat, and while she was initially terrified of Lily, she now thinks the cat is delightful (as long as there is a grown up around to rescue her should Lily actually turn out to be a demon cat.)

Abigail is definitely Anna's favorite toy. No one makes Anna laugh like Abigail does! When Abigail calls Anna, she faithfully trots after her, even if it is just to watch Abigail go potty! Nothing that Abigail does is to little for Anna to notice- and I get the feeling that imitation is next:)

I think (and every one around us agrees) that Anna is attaching quite well. She knows that I am her Momma. And even when I have to correct her behavior, she still wants to receive her comforting and love from me. I am the only person that she will initiate kisses with:) When she is upset, I am the one she wants holding her, and when she is happy or achieves a new skill, she wants to make sure I have seen it. I am not claiming to be totally attached and bonded, but considering that I have only been with this child for a little over 2 weeks, I think things are coming along nicely in that department.

Now, sleeping through the night? That is a whole other ball game. So far, in the past 2 weeks, Anna has slept through the night twice. Once on a fluke on Saturday night, and then again last night (after getting 6 shots and a blood draw!) Every other night she has woken up at 3am at the latest- sometimes sooner. I really think she wakes up because she is hungry and uncomfortable (she tends to poop between 1am and 3am) because when I clean her up and she sucks down a bottle, she is able to go right back to sleep, sometimes for up to 3 more hours before she wakes up and demands food!

We are still trying to figure out a schedule. She missed her nap yesterday and today because of doctor's visits, and she did surprisingly well during the afternoon and evening. John says maybe she is just one of those kids who needs to sleep from 7pm to 7am, take a short morning nap (she usually rests from 9-10am) and then be up for the rest of the day.

Man, I hope not.

Anyway, here is some fun from our first days home. Now that the super-fun people (read- Teta and Gaga) have left, I hope we can keep up the pictures and the fun... but they set the bar pretty high!

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

A note from Faith

2008-10-02T10:58:00.002-04:00

I just wanted to let everyone know how I'm doing. Thank you for your prayers. I know that they made a difference.

Just to explain a bit about what I meant when I said it was really hard...

For starters I got about 4-6 hours of sleep a night for about a week and a half before going out to visit Grace and the girls. (I usually need 8-9 hours per night.) That and the emotional drain of having my family far, far away and Anna getting really sick was a pretty bad start to my visit. Then, there was the lack of sleep with those jet-laggers. Abigail was falling asleep during dinner every night and waking up at 3 or 4am. Yikes! That did not work out well.

It was not what I expected and it all weighed on me. Heavily. I think if I had planned on being incredibly tired and laying around in pajamas all day and just doing the basics (making sure everyone ate, poor Lily, I think she ate on average about every other day) I would have been very impressed with all that we were able to do. We made it to the grocery store almost every day (we couldn’t get it all together to make a list beyond what we needed for that day!) We got all the laundry done before my mom had to leave. We made it to church Sunday morning. (Thanks for your prayers!) Umm…I think that’s about it. If my to-do list had been much, much shorter, I would have felt amazed at all that we were able to do. I was expecting WAY too much. (I had lists of the nearby attractions that I wanted to visit, the hours and the prices…yeah, high expectations)

Loving Anna was not hard. She is very happy and affectionate. She puts her hands up to be picked up. She gives hugs and kisses (which I loved except the snot bubble part.) She throws a mean toddler fit but wants to be comforted and snuggled afterward. (I don’t think she had any real attachment issues, but I’m no expert. All I know about attachment I read on y’alls blogs. I am praying for all of you who are dealing with attachment issues. I can’t even begin to imagine…God Bless each and every one of you and may He move mountains on your behalf.) It was NOT hard for me to spend time getting to know Anna. It was very hard for me to do that while spending time with and loving Abigail. She did wonderfully. She was very understanding of all the time that the baby needed. But, it was a major change for me. I am accustom to giving Abigail my undivided attention. She has been my only niece for almost 6 years. I am used to spoiling her. (Not condoning it, just telling the truth here.) It was very hard for me to divide my attention. I wanted to spend time with them both. I wanted to give undivided attention to them both. It was so difficult emotionally for me. It is like a hard-to-break bad habit.

One day (they’re all blurred) I had a God moment. I realized that I was trying to be everything for everyone. I was not created to do that. That is not my place. That place belongs to God. After I had some quiet time I felt better. Things began to improve after that. I learned to divide my attention and my time. I made myself step back and let Abigail do her own thing or wait until I was finished helping Anna. I made myself start putting Anna down some. Guess what...she can walk! She likes playing on the floor with her toys. She likes to "run" around chasing her ball. She likes to dance. She likes it when Abigail dances. She likes being on Abigail’s level. And Abigail loves playing with her. I realized that by trying to spend quality time with them I was taking away from their time with each other. It is fantastic to see Abigail and Anna’s relationship develop. They really like each other a lot. Abigail is a great big sister. And Anna misses her when she is not around. Abba (for Abigail) is one of the three (I think) words that Anna says now. It was such a blessing for me (and for them) to step back and allow them to bond further.

I hope and pray that those who will travel soon will have the prayer covering that we had thanks to all of you and our churches. Also, I hope that you will have more realistic expectations then I did. And please take lots of pictures. Even if you are in pajamas and there is stuff everywhere. Believe me; if you don’t take pictures you will surely regret it.
~Faith

Ethiopia Montages

2008-10-01T17:02:00.002-04:00

What you've all been waiting for....

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Music from African Dreamland and Blink.

Alone

2008-10-01T10:55:00.002-04:00

This is my first day home alone with Anna- my sister left this morning.

Little bit nervous.

Q&A: Travel

2008-09-30T21:01:00.006-04:00

Q. Did you buy Anna a seat on the plane or was she on your lap?

A: I did not buy Anna a seat on the plane. At her age, she is not really able to sit in a plane seat by herself, and I did not take a car seat for her to use on the ride home. In fact, she kind of really hated her car seat when we first got home, so I was glad I didn't bother with that. When she was awake (which was not that much) we played, she sat on my lap, my mom's lap, or Abigail's lap, or we went for walks around the cabin.

Q. How did you arrange to get the bassinet on the flight?

A. I cannot tell you the procedure for any other airline, but if you are flying Ethiopian Airlines, the important thing to know is that a bassinet can be requested but cannot be confirmed until you are physically holding your boarding pass. Only 3 bassinets are available per flight. If a boarding pass has already been issued for the seats where the bassinets are, you are out of luck. So the best way to get a bassinet on ETA is to arrive about 3 hours before departure and request it at the time that you are checking in. I did this, and I had no problems whatsoever.

Additionally, the ETA website says something about age restrictions on the bassinet. Anna was 17 months, 29 inches, and 18.5 pounds at the time we traveled, and they did not question my request. She fit nicely, but if your child is more than 30" tall, they will probably be too long for the bassinet.

Q. What travel agent did you use?

A. I didn't use a travel agent. Actually, I booked online directly through the ETA website. They emailed me the itinerary and I printed out the e-ticket receipt which also had my confirmation number on it. When I checked in, I just presented my credit card and they were able to check me in without difficulty. The ETA policy actually states that they prefer that you book online. (And for me, this was the cheapest rate- much cheaper than using my travel agent. Plus, I got to book right away, and not worry about things coming in the mail!)

Before leaving the US, I did call to confirm my seats on Thursday (I left on Saturday.) On the return trip, I did not confirm my seats at all (but then, I knew I would be arriving early for my flight....) When booking online, it will request a lot of info about the travelers, but I only provided names. I figured they would let me know if they needed more info. I did receive a second, separate confirmation email that had the number for the US ETA customer service desk (571-480-5210 or 571-480-5191).

I forgot to request a child's meal for Abigail at the time that I booked, but in retrospect, I would have done that. She did eat parts of the "adult" meal, but I think she would have been happier with mac and cheese:)

Q. How the trip was for Abigail (her health, enjoyment, energy, comfort level, etc...)

A. Abigail was an amazing traveler! She did so well- so much better than I thought she was even capable of doing!

In terms of the flights, she slept well on both flights, and was over her jetlag in Ethiopia within a day or so. Coming home, I would say it has taken her about 6 days to really get "over" her jetlag and back on her normal schedule (there were about 4 mornings where she woke up at 4-5am, but she has since returned to a normal 6-7am wake-up time.)

In Ethiopia, she did quite well. She did not care for the food, so she had French fries and Fanta a lot. She also ate spaghetti and pizza, and burgers sometimes. (Note, mac and cheese in Ethiopia is made with goat cheese or something like that. Abigail did NOT like it!) I took lots of snacks and foods with me, like granola bars, oatmeal, easy mac, cheese and cracker packs, fruit snacks, etc. Abigail never went hungry, but there were days were everything she ate was pre-packaged. She is definitely glad to be back in the US and able to eat "real" (meaning home-made) food. But a week of pre-packaged food was well worth the experience of this trip!

Abigail had no problem with any of the "strangeness" of Ethiopia, like the dogs barking, the unusual public bathrooms or anything like that. More than once we did talk about begging/beggars, the health status of people on the street, and other social/economic issues. I was honest with her, in age-appropriate terms, and we prayed for a lot of people. I think there were moments when she was nervous simply because of the appearance of some of the beggars being so different than what she was used to, and she was really saddened when she saw moms with small babies begging. But overall, I think she really grasped what I was saying, and wanted to do something to help.

Abigail and Anna really bonded on the trip, and she was very helpful in taking Anna for walks around the house or playing with her when I needed to make breakfast or whatnot. Anna really loves her sister!

Q. And in regards to the new rules, how often did you get out with Anna? How was leaving her behind?

A. Because I stayed at a guest house, I was able to take placement on Monday and have Anna with me at the guest house from then on. I think she really would have been freaked out if she left the care center during the day and then had to go back at night, so I really do recommend that you stay at a guest house during your time in Ethiopia, and that you take all opportunities to get to know your child. (I was really glad I had a week of Anna time under my belt when I got on that airplane....)

There are days/times when you can be out and about with your child. For instance, on embassy day, you pretty much have to take your child to lunch in order to be at the embassy on time. I will not elaborate on when/where baby is allowed out, because the enforcement of these rules may change when the court re-opens, and I don't want to create any "well, Grace said on her blog..." :)

Since my mom and I both went, we often traded off going out and going for meals, bringing home food for the other. I did leave Anna with the caregiver from Gladney when we went to the cultural dinner. Anna was quite comfortable, and the caregiver knew her immediately when she saw her. In fact, when we got home, Anna was clean, dry, and sleeping soundly in her crib! It was quite nice!

In retrospect, I would have left Abigail with the caregiver if the situation arouse, but it did not. The caregivers have limited English, but they can certainly communicate, and with a child Abigail's age (a child able to toilet and feed themselves- and watch cartoons!) I think everyone would have been fine!

I think you will be surprised by what you see... the enforcement of these "guidelines" really falls on the individual agencies. Gladney in-country staff does a great job finding balance. I mean, when Anna was sick, there was no question that I was going to take her to the clinic and the pharmacy. I don't want to say anything to make anyone at Gladney upset (and believe me, there were a few "don't put this on your blog, but..." moments:), and I don't want to misrepresent Gladney's stance, but I will say that when you travel, this issue will become more clear.

Preview: Q&A

2008-09-29T20:52:00.004-04:00

Here are some questions I will be answering soon:

Relating to travel...

Did you buy Anna a seat on the plane or was she on your lap?
How did you arrange to get the bassinet on the flight?
What travel agent did you use?

Relating to the care centers and orphanages...

What was the orphanage like?
Did they have enough toys?
Were the kids able to play a lot of the time or were they in their cribs a lot?
Were there any obvious needs?

Relating to planning and budgeting....

How much money did you spend while there?

Relating to the in-country staff...

What can they use or what do they want from the US?
What about the caregivers/gifts?

Do you have any questions? If so, please leave a comment or email me and I will try to respond to all of them in a future post!

Adventure: Ethiopia- Going Home

2008-09-29T20:44:00.000-04:00

Yeah, wishing that I could return to Ethiopia soon? Not so much. At least, not in economy class!

We were able to secure the bassinet for the flight home, and it was sooooo helpful! The flight was pretty uneventful, and both girls behaved well, baring some minor meltdowns during some very tired moments. I was glad to be on US soil, though!

So, if you’ve not traveled internationally before, here are some things to know about your arrival in the US. On the airplane you will be given a blue customs card. This is the only thing you need to fill out in terms of paperwork. Keep your passport, this blue card, and baby’s sealed envelope of papers handy when you exit the plane.

For those arriving in Dulles, you will exit the terminal and take the tram/shuttle thing to the main terminal. From there you will proceed directly to the Customs and Border Patrol Inspection area (just follow the signs.) There are special lines available on the far end for US citizens. Wait in this line. When called to the window, you will need to present your blue customs card, passports for all parties entering the US (including baby), and your packet of papers. The CBP officer will request you open the packet of papers, and then will proceed to stamp the passports and paperwork with your date of entry to the US.

Next up is baggage claim. I found the US baggage claim to be faster and easier than the Ethiopian baggage claim! Load up your luggage on a cart and follow the big arrows towards the exit. Have your blue customs cards ready. You will be directed to the Immigration line. They will take all your passports, customs card, and paperwork. You sit down and wait.

*Note* If you are at Dulles, and you need to go to the bathroom, use the bathroom that will be on your left as you face the exit at the baggage claim area. Your wait in the Immigration area can vary, so use the bathroom first!

Once they review your papers, they may ask you a few questions (ie- are you bringing food into the country, etc). They keep your packet of papers and customs card, and then you are free to go! Exit the terminal and welcome to America!

I was so glad to use an American (read- sparkling!) bathroom and to stand in American (read- understandable and well-marked) lines! I didn’t realize I missed the US so much until I got here: ) I was so glad to be home!

We met up with John and loaded up the car for our 2 hour drive home. Anna really didn’t like her car seat, but I sat next to her in the back seat, and that helped. We stopped at McDonalds after about an hour because we were all hungry! Anna had her first bites of a hamburger, nuggets, fries and milkshake. She didn’t really like any of it except the fries: )

It’s hard to believe we made it home- unscathed and actually so much better as people- so much more aware, informed, and compassionate. I have so many ideas about how we can help make this world better, and I want to teach Abigail to be a “do-er” not just an imagine-er. I can’t wait to see where this path takes us next!

Adventure: Ethiopia- Day Nine

2008-09-29T20:43:00.001-04:00

I will be honest, I thought the explosion yesterday morning was bad. Ha! Little did I know!

Last night Anna had 2 more explosions, and Abigail threw up 3 times! Oh my word. The house stunk, and there was not a clean bed to be found! Amazingly, we all survived, and everyone seems to be feeling okay.

Mom and Abigail left early to run some last minute errands and get their hair done again. Mom wanted to make sure her ‘do would last long enough for Pepaw to see it on Saturday. Abigail wanted “krinkly” hair and got all of her hair crimped! I headed to the older baby/toddler house to deliver more care packages and take more pictures. I took Anna with me. She was really freaked out last week, but this week she did so much better and even allowed the caregivers to hold her! I had a blast taking pictures, playing, and delivering gifts.

After the older baby house, we went to the baby house to deliver more packages. Imagine my surprise when we walked in and found Anna’s b-mom waiting on the steps! It seems that her ride home had not yet picked her up, so she was just waiting at the care center! I am glad for the extra time that Anna had with her, but it was very unnerving, to say the least. Ryan B. happened along, and he took care of the situation for me. I visited with more babies, but I was feeling so sick that I didn’t stay long or hold any of the kiddos (I didn’t want them to catch what I had, because let me tell you, it’s gross when there is that much stuff in your nose and sinuses!)

Anna and I headed home for lunch with Mom and Abigail, and then Anna and Mom took a nap while I headed to the older children’s house to deliver a few items and take some pictures. Abigail made a best friend:) I wish I could say more about her, but I don’t want to break any rules!

To the parents who are waiting for your babes, especially to those who trusted me with a package and the task of capturing a moment of their child’s life…

Thank you. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your journey. Thank you for sharing your child(ren) with me. Thank you for trusting me, for letting me be your arms and hands and the voice of your lullaby when you could not be there. I pray that the journey is quick for you, from this point on, and that each step of the process will help you fall more deeply in love with your child. They are beautiful, precious children, and I cannot wait to seem them united with their loving families!

So, 13 care packages later, I was pooped, and had the great job of going home and packing half-dry puke and vomit clothes. Jealous much? I thought so. But pack I did. I know some people had questions about how I re-packed, since I didn’t have a vacuum to suck all the air out of my air bags.

First, I packed all of the souvenirs so that I could pad them with clothing and such. Then I loaded some air bags with the dirty clothes we had. I zipped the top most of the way closed, then compressed the bags to get the air out even more, and finished zipping them. They were not as compact as when I used a vacuum, but it did shrink things down a bit, and definitely contained the dirt and odor. I ended up using the 3 rolling suitcases I brought with me, 2 canvas duffle bags, and packed 2 of the rolling carry ons to be checked. (Since I had 3 seats and the baby, I could check 7 items without difficulty.) I ended up carrying on the diaper bag for the baby’s stuff, Abigail’s small backpack for her fun stuff, my backpack for the electronics (laptop, camera) and one rolling carry on for general travel stuff (neck pillows, snacks, a few books- because I would probably have time to read on the plane, right?) I used zipties to lock the luggage.

We finished off our dinner just as it was time to leave for the airport. (Our flight left at 10:15pm, but Anbes suggested getting there at least 3 hours early to ensure we got a bassinet.)

As we drove through the streets of Addis for the last time, tears came to my eyes. I was overwhelmed with emotions- my own sadness in saying goodbye to a place and people I had come to love, yes. But more so, the sadness of Anna saying goodbye to the only country she had ever known. It was sad that she could not understand that this was the last time she would watch the goats scamper across the streets, but it was even sadder that she would never remember those goats, and she would never remember the way she loved to look at them and giggle.

I wish I had taken more pictures and videos of the way life is in Ethiopia. Those moments where people are living, unaware that they are being watched. The goats and sheep and oxen in the road. The masses of people and cars and animals waiting on the sides of the streets for a break in the chaos that they call traffic. The farmer in the middle of the Ayat neighborhood.

As we drove past the “Hip Hop Biscuit” billboard (the first one my mom and I read when we arrived), it occurred to me that the next billboard I would see would be in the US, near Dulles… and that Anna would see that billboard, too… I was overcome again with the reality that she is my daughter and I get to take her home with me.

And I hoped that I would return to Ethiopia soon.

Adventure: Ethiopia- Day Eight

2008-09-29T20:42:00.000-04:00

Wowsers! I think my child was the only one in our group who was not having diarrhea, but thanks to those antibiotics, that has changed! We had a major explosion this morning and Anna got her first bath. She loved the bath, but man, did she have to create such a stink bomb just so she could get a bath?

She was still not feeling 100%, so we hung out at the house and had a slow morning. Anna’s appetite picked up (since I am sure she had nothing left in her guts after the morning explosion!) and she ate well with breakfast. We wanted to play outside, but it was raining!

For lunch, we met Ryan B. and M&R at the Beer Garden Inn. Delicious! I had the fish and chips, and was brave enough to actually eat the salad (took my Pepto first:) Everything was great, and the slight queasiness that I felt had more to do with the impending birthmom visit than the lunch.

After lunch, we met Anna’s birthmother. It was a very emotional time for everyone. I had no idea what to expect, but I am so thankful that b-mom wanted to share. She was so open and clearly loves Anna, while at the same time she is happy and relieved that Anna is now with our family. I really learned a lot about her and have so much to share with Anna when she gets older, including some very precious pictures and videos. I am so thankful for the chance to meet this lovely soul. Please join me in praying for her, as I know her grief continues.

Anbes jokingly said that I set the record for the longest b-mom visit (2.5 hours), but I guess I just didn’t know how to say goodbye- or how to ask this wonderful woman to say goodbye, for the last time, to the daughter she carried, bore, and loved for 13 months. Then (just to give you a taste of the differences in US and Ethiopian culture…) the translator/social worker asked us to give b-mom a ride to the Gladney care center (she was staying there for the night before traveled home the next day.) So that was, um, different. Thankfully, Ryan B. and Anbes took care of us, and we were not put into that uncomfortable situation!

Because we spent so much time with b-mom, we missed saying goodbye to Mer, Ryan, and Simon. We relaxed the rest of the evening and I started packing once the girls were in bed. I am definitely coming down with something (thanks for sharing the cold, Anna!) I can’t believe that tomorrow is our last day! It seems like we have only been here a day or two, but at the same time, it is amazing to see how much my Anna has blossomed in just this short week!

Adventure: Ethiopia- Day Seven

2008-09-29T20:41:00.001-04:00

The baby had a fitful night, or rather, fitful from about 2am on. When we got up, I could tell she wasn’t feeling well, and when I took her temperature, it was 104.3! I dosed her with Tylenol and Motrin, and left my mom with Pedialyte for her (she wasn’t interested in much else) and headed off to do some errands.

Lo and behold, the Internet was STILL not working, but I did get some money changed and picked up some bread at the Hilton. I also had a pastry from the café, but just so you know, don’t bother… wait and get something at Kaldi’s! It’s cheaper and yummier!

When I got home, Anna was still running a fever. The Tylenol and Motrin did not help a bit, she was lethargic, and she was breathing at a rate of 60-70 breaths per minute. I decided to take her to the clinic. I was nervous, partially because her fever was not coming down, partially because she was dehydrated/lethargic, and partially because she had pneumonia recently, and with the fever, nasty cold symptoms (since the time of placement!), and rapid respirations, I was afraid the pneumonia might be back. And 20 hours on a plane with a sick baby did not sound like fun!

Thankfully, the drivers were great. Tefessa was closest, so he picked us up and took us to the clinic. Anbes met us there. The guys took care of the papers, tracking down the baby’s records, and all the rest. I just tried to get her to take some liquids!

I will not elaborate on the clinic experience, but I will say it was very different than what you would experience in the US. I was frustrated because I know what the US standards for fever of unknown origin are, and I know exactly what would be done if I took Anna to a US clinic with a fever that was not broken by Tylenol and Motrin. Let it suffice to say that the US protocol is quite different than the Ethiopian protocol!

Finally, they gave Anna an injection that got her fever to come down from 104 to about 101.5, so that was a lot better. The doctor said some really distressing things (ie- that Anna’s liver and spleen were enlarged and that she thought Anna has TB!) and then told me that the reason Anna was sick was because she was hungry and had a sore throat. Um, what? Then she gave me amoxicillin (okay, that’s more like it…) and told me to take Anna to the US and have them explore it more.

Wow. That was different! I won’t get into my (very extensive and upsetting) thoughts and feelings about that, but I will say it was VERY different! Thankfully, they mysterious infection that was causing Anna’s fever seemed to respond to the amoxicillin, and her fever came steadily down until she was feeling much better and much perkier. I decided at that point to switch her to soy milk because she was also constipated (poor baby.)

The clinic visit took half of forever (okay, maybe about 3 hours?) We just chillaxed the rest of the evening… or rather, mom, Abigail, and Anna chilled out, and I called my fantastic friends/physicians and made sure that we agreed about the plan of care for Anna. I was really upset by the clinic experience, and really, that was the first (and one of the very few) things I saw in Ethiopia that would make me unwilling to live there full-time.

One thing I will say is that someone did a really good job of teaching Anna to take medicine! It is useless to try to giver her medicine when she is upset, but as long as she is pretty happy, she just swallows it down! Yea for whoever taught her that!

I don’t pretend that I will get any sleep tonight… I have Tylenol and Motrin and amoxicillin to give, and breathing to listen to, and temperatures to check… so for now, good night, and hopefully everyone will be better tomorrow!

Technical Difficulties! (Please Help!)

2008-09-29T10:28:00.001-04:00

I am trying to make a montage for you all:) But I have video clips on my hard drive (.mod movies that open in Windows Media Player) and I don't know how to save them as a different format or upload them to onetruemedia.com.

Any thoughts/suggestions/tricks?

Telling it like it is

2008-09-26T21:44:00.003-04:00

(From Faith - Grace doesn't know I'm posting this)
I just wanted everyone to know that we are all doing (relatively) OK. This is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. I had visions of going to church after the girls were in bed. (There is a great church near Grace with a conference going on that mom and I wanted to attend.) I thought our days would be filled with apple farms and playing at the park. I'm so naive!!!!! I'll have to let Grace tell you what she thinks but for me this is very hard.

I would like to ask every family that ever traveled to please forgive me for thinking that you were just too lazy to post. I am sorry! I was very selfish to want info and pictures right away. I didn't realize how hard this is. I'll know from now on how to pray for all those who travel.

Speaking of prayer...my mom is leaving tomorrow. AAAHHHH!!!!! Lord help us, please.
For all of those who traveled...how long until you returned to normal? (And no I didn't travel...I think it must just be sympathy exhaustion.)
~Faith

Adventure: Ethiopia- Day Six

2008-09-25T08:20:00.001-04:00

Anna continues to wake me during the night. Maybe I can get someone else to take the night shift tonight? She just wakes up and isn’t satisfied no matter what you do. She doesn’t want her bottle, but she doesn’t not want her bottle…

We tried to go to the Alert Hospital to buy some things today. The drive was pretty long- Meredith and Ryan were about a half hour ahead of us since they got an earlier start, and they called to say that the shop was closed when they got there. Bummer! Anbes took us to another souvenir shop, and we picked up a few things, but I am saving the real shopping for Monday when I will go to the shop at the Gladney Office that is run by older girls who have aged out of the orphanage. I will also go to the Haile Sassile shopping center then.

We also stopped at “Misrak Bakery” (no one was there) and another coffee shop where we picked up some coffee from Anna’s native region. Anbes was explaining that Yurgalem (sp?) where Anna is from is known for the Sidamo coffee! Yum!

On the way home we picked up macchiato and pastry from Kaldi’s. So tasty! Then we all took a nap. That was fantastic!

At 3pm, Mer, Ryan, Simon, Mom, Abigail, Anna and I loaded into the Gladney van with Ryan B., Abby, Marta, Enoch, Ezra and Solomon (the driver) to go to dinner at Dreamland. The drive was long, but dinner was great and the view was beautiful. The kids had fun, and right as we were leaving, all the babies started crying! Ahhh! I don’t think I have ever been in a car with that many crying babies! Preparation for the flight home, I guess (haha.) It was nice to visit with Ryan and Abby and learn more about the process here.

To those who are still waiting, let me say this: I know it is difficult and frustrating during the wait. You have so many questions and so much seems obscure. There are no straight answers, and no one can tell you anything. I know that feeling.

As frustrating as it is, know this: it does get better. Your questions will be answered, and a lot of things that just don’t make sense based on what you are hearing in the US will be explained when you get here. It’s hard for me to tell you to just hang in there- to just trust that it will all eventually make sense, but that is the truth. It will. I promise. And in the end, no matter how hard the process is- no matter how frustrating- you will look back and nod and smile and say “yep, I would do it all again. And I would do it with Gladney at my side.” At least, that's how I feel.